/bypass

So I’ll get straight to the point cause I have no time to update right now, really. The surgery is tomorrow! My bloodwork came back clean and I even got to sleep in for a litle bit this morning before they called, which is nice because I am SURE i won’t be getting any sleep tonight. I don’t know WHEN the surgery is exactly but they are going to call me later on and tell me. I will probably be doing a video blog with what’s going on in my head the night before a major surgery! So look for that tonight.

Other than that I will be trying to update from the hospital via Donny who has agreed to email messages to people to let them know what’s going on and how I survived etc. I am a little jittery right now but I have no time for that because I have a million things to do and I have to clean the whole house.

Here I go! Wish me luckies!

So today I waiting for a very long time for my blood results from Michigan. As you know, I did them on Friday in a crazy thereandback adventure with beautiful Denise. They assured me that I would have them by today, but TA-DA they don’t have them and are now “assuring” me (how re-assuring) that I will have them tomorrow THE DAY I LEAVE. Annnooooyyying! But GET THIS:

So I am all like “argh” and I am on the bus on the way home and my phone rings. It’s the Walk-in-Clinic from Canada (where I got my blood taken on Novemeber 22nd and where they SAID I wouldn’t get the results back in time for my tentative surgery date!) saying “we have your test results back” and I said “the H-Pylori test results?” and she looked and said “yes” and I said “are you friggin kidding me???? the H-PYLORI TESTS ARE IN???” and she said “yes you can pick them up from your family doctor” so I called my family doctor and she was gone til Wednesday..>GREAT…so I called the Walk-in-Clinic back and say “this is an emergency….I need those results..please please PLEASE can i have them” and she said “well you can come in but you’ll have to wait in line and yadda yadda and I said “FINE WHATEVER OMG”

So I went to the Walk-In-Clinic and waited for an hour and they insisted that I go to my family doctor and I insisted that I had already been through this blah blah and then I finally got admitted and the doctor comes in and says “your results from the blood work is that you are low on Vitamin D” and I said, “UHM AND WHAT ABOUT THE H-PYLORI!?” and he was like “oh, I don’t have any of that here…” and I said “WHAT? I asked specifically if you had them and your nurse said yes!!” and so the doctor goes back to the nurse who I had orginally asked if it were my H-Pylori tests that were in and said “Does this patient have H-pylori tests that I don’t see on her chart?” and she said “No, I thought they were there but I made a mistake!”

AGHHHHHHHH so we went to Penningtons and bought some pyjamas.

If you skipped my story. Here is the conclusion:

- I still don’t know about my surgery being on Wednesday

- I find out tomorrow

- I bought pyjamas with pandas on them

Here is a copy/paste from Youtube. Again, a lot of it is a repeat of what you have already seen on here….but I have 2 audiences so…yeah.

here is the link to it if it doesn’t open here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKGqiaDQpQo

This liquid diet is by far THEE worst diet ever…including the 30 famine we did once a year when we were kids because at least we were thinking about the malnutritioned children in Africa. I realize that I am doing this because i have to shrink my liver for the operation I DON’T EVEN KNOW I AM GOING TO GET. Put quite simply if I end up having H-Pylori and finding out on monday that I am NOT getting the surgery on Wednesday, I AM EATING ALL THE PIZZAS EVER MADE.

I am being dramatic. It’s not really THAT bad, although it’s still bad. With my stomach stretched the way it is, a protein shake is not enough to fill me up for more than 15 minutes or so. Today’s food so far has consisted of 2 protein shakes, 2 small sugar free yogurts, apple juice, sugar free applesauce, fatfree cottage cheese. Now, I probably could have done much better if I had not been at school all day AND be still sick. The sick factor, the no food factor and trying to be alert and well in lectures has made me incredibly weak, so much so that Donny had to pick me from the GO station cause I couldn’t make it home. I am only writing this now because I wanna go to sleep, but I don’t know if I will sleep the whole night through and miss my opportunity to blog. I wanted to do a videoblog but we’ll see.

Okay going to bed…..5:02pm.

• Buy Pyjamas
• Get my binder from mom and then read the entire thing two times over
• Buy Vitamins and liquids
• Send Secret Santa Gift
• Blood Test Friday in Michigan
• Write Essay for 17th cent lit
• Get prescription filled (blood thinners)
• Do a video blog
• Get over being sick
• Clean the whole house so that it’s clean and ready for me when I get back
• Buy baby spoons, protein powder shaking cups, a permanent water canteen
• Prepare email/telephone list in case of complications or emergency
• Book Hotel
• Pick up ring from jewelers
• Get some american cash
• Remain Calm
• Don’t die from liquid diet
• Read Jane Eyre
• Prepare broths and freeze them in ice trays
• HOLY CRAP

I feel that writing here is the only thing I can do that will keep me from going mental. Let me just preface this by saying that I am sicker than I have been for awhile. I ache, I sniff, I cough. It’s ugly brutal. Donny and I have been taking turns sleeping it seems. I slept for most of the early evening to about 11:45pm and now he’s sleeping and i am awake…although I should really get back to bed soon cause I HAVE to go to school tomorrow. I have skipped waaaaay too much school what with my trips to Michigan and being sick and doctors appointments and crazy Janie-ness.

I just don’t feel comfortable right now. I am not in a stable mindset. I have NO IDEA whether or not I will be going through with this surgery next wednesday. My good friend Denise mentioned that I should get the test results early by going across the border to New York (only 1.5 hours away) and so I will know whether or not I NEED to go to Michigan on Friday for my pre-op screenings (which is required if I have the surgery on wednesday). If I have the bacteria, I wouldn’t need to GO to michigan on friday because obviously I can’t have the surgery on that wednesday and don’t need to be pre-screened. Unfortunately the dear Americans are having their thanksgiving on Thursday, and so if I went to NY tomorrow to get my H-Pylori blood test the results would come back 2 days later, which would be thanksgiving for them, and I don’t know if A. they are working or B. they would send the results to Canada because my doctor in Michigan is the one who prescribed the blood test. I know this is confusing. I guess what you can glean from this mishmash of bleh is that I am a little stressed because I don’t like not knowing what’s going on.

WORST CASE SCENARIO:

I have to take off school in January to have the surgery. I am smart and I can catch up. Since I am in mostly English courses - it is mostly reading anyway. My surgery would be Jan. 7th (probably) and HOPEFULLY by then whatever bacteria I have from the H-Pylori test will be cleared up with antibiodics.

BUT, that is the worst case scenario. That’s not the case as it stands right now. As it stands right now - I have a surgery date on the 3rd providing that my H-Pylori test comes back NEGATIVE. This test will be done in Michigan on Friday (at 8am) and I won’t have the results back until MONDAY - 2 days before the new surgery date. If it comes back POSITIVE, see WORST CASE SCENARIO up above.

I donno. I am trying not to stress. I am waking up at 6:30 tomorrow to see if I can get blood drawn in NY and get results before Friday. If they don’t operate on thursday or do but can’t send the results to canada (since my doctors office in michigan is closed on thursday) I will just have to go to Michigan on Friday as planned and be the best possible driver I can be.

For now I just have to keep breathing in and out, albeit only with one nostril since I’m sick. I am not DEPRESSED - don’t get me wrong. I am just feeling this kinda doom like feeling that I get when things are changing too fast. I mean I thought I had 3 weeks to prepare. I need new pyjamas and I need lots of broth….and I need my blood thinner shots to be shipped here. Shoot, remind me to do that!

I have been spoiled lately with the ideal. It’s time to get jiggy with the real.

Okay so I will be going down to Michigan on Thursday morning (3am) to be in Wyandotte for an appointment at 8:00am, which will be about 2 hours. Then I am coming straight back.

I know this is crazy timing for driving straight there and then straight back (especially since I will be taking blood tests and be on a liquid diet) but it must be done. Don’t worry, I will pull the car over if need be.

Right now I just have to remain calm and do the things that I need to do in order to get ready for having the surgery on the third.

Wish me luck.

Oh my gosh I am freaking OUT. The hospital just called and told me that I CANNOT have my surgery on the 17th and that I MUST have it on December THIRD if I want to get it done while I am not in school. AGHH! This of course is all pending on a blood test that I must get done THIS WEEK in Michigan (wednesday) because my results in canada will not come back in time. If this blood test is positive (meaning that I have bacteria in my stomach) I CANNOT get the surgery until that is cured with anti-biodics.

The things that are running through my head are these:

NEXT FRIGGIN WEEK!!!?????

Also, will Donny be able to come with me? Will I have to go alone? How will I get home if I have to go alone? I am annoyed about having to make a trip on Wednesday because it puts other people out. I can drive by myself but that means donny is without a car on wednesday for the whole day.

What if the blood results come back as positive? That would suck. A lot.

I have an essay due next Monday and a take home test that is assigned on monday that is due on the 11th. Should I ask for an extension.

I need to start my liquid diet on Wednesday just in case the blood tests come back NEGATIVE and the surgery goes on as planned on the THIRD. OMG.

I need to get that binder back from mom and actually read it.

I don’t get to have my early birthday party or the dinner party at Joan’s house

Donny probably won’t be able to have friends come with him on the 3rd…because everyone is supposed to be in school still.

What if the blood tests come back as positive, what if the blood tests come back as positive?????

Hi guys,

I am sure some of you can relate to this. When I take a picture of myself I know how to direct it so that I get the best possible angle to show the least amount of fat. For years I have “fooled” myself into thinking that my skewed angle pictures are what I really look like. I am beginning a new chapter in my life and before I start I want to acknowledge those lost pictures - the ones that OTHER people have taken. The ones that I have hidden away. I am really nervous right now. I feel like I am showing my naked body to you all or something. I know that a lot of you guys have seen me in PERSON which is the real me but some of you have never met me….and I have been showing you the “good” pictures for so long. So…here we go. *takes deep breath*

YOU HAVE TO CLICK ON THE BELOW LINK TO VIEW THE SLIDESHOW.

This is me being brave…

So I started my own Video Blog on Youtube. This first video is pretty much a repetition of what you have already read on this site. I will still be writing…writing and video blogging. Keep in mind that because it’s for YouTube, I mention youtube people that i have been watching lately.

the address for the blogs is: http://www.youtube.com/user/Janiethegeek (apparently Janiemay was taken - grrr)

Hello all! So I have news that most of you are aware of but I will tell all anyway and save the best til the last.
Firstly, I have my surgery date! It’s December 17th pending that all the blood work that I have to re-do goes smoothly and I have never had a problem before so I am not anticipating any problems but it’s still something that makes me a little worried.

The consult went great. There were 7 other people there and we all learned the basics and stuff. I was supposed to have gone to an information seminar in London, ON beforehand but nobody told me so my surgeon was a little annoyed, but “passed” me anyway because I did good on the test.

The first thing that I want to say is that my surgeon (whose name is Dr. Hendricks) was hella shocked that I am getting this surgery because he has never seen anyone approved that has NO health problems and at such a young age. He said it was awesome, but he was just shocked. So now, I am shocked too. He said “it makes me think that someone actually made a mistake…but a good mistake and one that they can’t take back now” so yay. weird but yay.

Information here is going to be sporadic because I just came home and I got NO sleep last night due to being super excited about having the consult and donny being SO incredibly sick that I was worried about him. I gained 22 pounds since I was approved. Isn’t that INSANE? Ughhhh!!!! I will probably lose that during the liquid diet I have to be on 7 days prior to the surgery, but still. I am a fatt-fattytard!!!

What else….

Uhm, crappy news is that I have to go to Michigan a week after my surgery for a check up, which means it’ll be Christmas Eve. My dad has graciously consented to drive me and give Donny a bit of a break since he will be so incredibly busy taking care of me. Christmas day will be a blur I am sure but nothing I can’t endure. I am so tired right now I just typed that entire paragraph with my eyes closed. I really need to get some sleep.

I am super excited about the surgery coming so close, but I am also excited because on the way back from Michigan my boyfriend pulled off into a little town with a Gazebo lighted up with Christmas lights (it was snowing) and asked me to marry him He then produced to most gorgeous ring I have ever seen….and suits me SO well. It is exactly what I wanted. Simple but beautiful. Here is a picture!

My engagement ring!!!

I would have taken a picture with it on but its a smidgen too small. We are getting it re-sized tomorrow because I can’t wait to wear it. We are so happy and giddy it’s retarded. Unfortunately though I am exhausted and must get to sleep before I drop dead.

Take care everyone!!

It is not unlike me lately to be up at 3:10 with massive amounts of desire to sleep but no ability to do so. A plague, I tell you! This gastric bypass is a plague upon my resting schedule! The funny thing is, is that I can’t sleep the day before - the day before my consultation with the surgeon, which MEANS that I am doomed! DOOMED I TELL YOU! In all seriousness this is what is going on in my head and the reason I am up to all hours…

I am having a hard time believing that everything in my life is going so awesome. You know, I really have never been this happy in my life - well besides the whole being FAT thing, oh and maybe the whole me having a big nose thing, but other than that I’m so happy! I have a great boyfriend, a great great great boyfriend! I have a wonderful family, a splenderific home with a giant tree mural and lanterns and swords on the walls… I have amazing superhero cats. I go to a wicked university and am taking subjects that interest me to death. I write. I love writing - I love my brain. I love braining.

That being said, I’ve been handed this golden ticket and I am running down the streets in my red cardigan and beige pants. Since Donny is the only one going with me he is Grandpa Joe. Okay enough with the charlie bucketness - I have been given this freaking opportunity to change the ONE thing in my life that I hate - the one thing that makes me a sadsad. HOW CAN THIS BE POSSIBLE? It makes me wonder what catastrophe is coming! I am going to be sterile or something. I just know it. As soon as I fix this one problem called obesity, something horrible is going to befall me.

Now of course this is all stemming from the fact that I don’t think that I am worth all this happiness. I mean, my life is RAD, folks. I live in a dreamland. I drink nectar from frickin’ buttercups. I look at the innertubes around my waist and I hate them, but if it means that getting rid of them will make some cosmic being up there strike off my arms and legs, is it worth it??

I guess it’s silly to be afraid of something bad happening in the future just because everything is good at present. Or is it? I mean, nobody has it this good, peeps. I am afraid that I don’t deserve all this gold. And it’s not like I can tithe it since I don’t think anyone wants parts of my intestine or stomach.

Tomorrow afternoon we are leaving for Michigan. I hear we are going to run into a little snow but we should make the hotel around dinner time ish, and then Donny and I are going to try and relax and watch movies. I will be back Thursday night and I will tell you all the nitty grittys including !!! a surgery date !!! provided I don’t get struck by lightning or fall off the face of the universe (which I’ve always kinda secretly wanted to do just to say that I did).

Good lord. It’s 3:30am and I’m hungry hungry hippo.

Occasionally I will change up the theme of my blog, but never fear! It is still me!

So I just called the bariatric clinic in Michigan to confirm some details and I ended up asking them tons of questions and got all good answers!

First of all, I didn’t know that this surgery was covered by OHIP to be done laproscopicly. I thought that OHIP only covered an OPEN gastric bypass. I was very glad to hear that OHIP does cover the laproscopic. The laproscopic is what the animation below looks like. Just little holes instead of a huge scar. So stoked about that!

Also, my fears of gaining a little weight are all disappated since the secretary that I talked to said it doesn’t matter because I don’t have a BMI that is over 50. Apparently for this clinic if you have a BMI over 50 they try to get you to lose weight so that it is either under 50 or closer to 50.

ALSO my wonderful mother in law got us a hotel to stay in so that we aren’t driving straight to michigan, having the consult and then driving back. We will leave on Wednesday night, stay at the hotel, have the consult the next morning and then leave for back home.

YIPPEEEEEEEEE thanks Joan!

And now for something completely different:

It looks like someone ELSE should be getting Gastric Bypass Surgery!

For all those who have suffered through my napkin drawings, here is a very helpful animation I found on youtube that illustrates the gastric bypass procedure!

Ps. I am feeling mucho better!

So hello there hi there,

Donny has been away doing film shoots for the past 3 days and I guess that has given me a lot of time to be inside my head, which is a weird place to be sometimes! I am not freaking out - but I am starting to get NERVOUS….like crazy nervous. I still want this so bad, but I have always been a sortof anxious person and it’s manifesting right now. I can’t concentrate on my essay that is due on Tuesday which is probably making me MORE nervous because I really have to get it done and all I can think about is the surgery and my life changing forever and me looking hot and all that jazz.

I know that sounds really vain, and I am sorry but it’s true. I am self obsessing right now! I am not upset, or worried, but just feeling really excited/anxious for this to actually HAPPEN. I know that I have 4 more days of waiting until my consult in Michigan, but I am nervous that they will say “no you can’t have the surgery yet cause something’s wrong or you’ve gained too much weight since we approved you…” I probably have gained some weight since I have been approved…and they might take that into effect.

I just hate being alone right now. I know that it’s really important that Donny is doing his whole school thing and that he is out doing film shoots. I just don’t wanna be in my head anymore because it’s driving me insane! I was invited to go out with a friend that I haven’t seen for a long time but doing so would be bad because I haven’t written that essay and I am SUPER stressed about that. I had to say no but really it would have been the best thing for me to get out of this anxious state. At the same time, I KNOW i have to do my essay and I cannot procrastinate any longer.

But how do you write an essay on vagina dentata *sorry but it’s true* when you are about to get the most life changing procedure done! AHHH.

My palms are sweaty, my stomach is all fluttering….I’m freaking Mrs. Bennett right now, I swear!

I am going to go try and take a bath…and then I am going to sit down and write write write. I can’t just lollygag around in my head anymore. It’s too much!

It’s getting down to the wire here folks and I am pretty excited. I’ve been thinking that it might be fun to, as well as the whole writing on my blog thing, to do video blogs as well. I would post them on here and then you can watch me talk AND check my progress at the same time.

What do you think? Video blog? or should I just stick to the writing? Who’s up for it?

First of all, I am sorry for not updating constantly. This is due to the fact that A. Nothing of consequence has yet happened and B. School has been a particular pain in the badonkadonk. So I apologize, with much passion, from the bottom of my clogged arteries.

Some of you have witnessed my eating lately and have probably been appalled, grieved, shocked at my shoveling, devouring, ravishing of innocent consumable products. I have never eaten so much in my entire life put together. I am finding it difficult not to. For the first time in my life I had something called a “chocolate croissant” because I know that I will never be inclined to eat this again.

Folks…there was CHOCOLATE inside of bread! Neat!

Anyway, before the surgery they will most likely put me on a liquid diet in order to shrink my liver - for they must lift your liver in order to do the procedure. I wonder how much my liver weighs! Before I go on this liquid diet, I require that I eat several last suppers. I want a lasagna dinner from my mother, a trip to the Keg, and a meal at an Indian restaurant. If it’s possible, during these dinners I wish to be fanned with palm branches and seated on thrones that my side bums won’t hang off of.

In all seriousness I am probably eating more than I should on a regular basis and should consider cutting back a little. I have 14 days until my consult in Michigan - and after that, probably about a month until the surgery, fingers, and small intestines crossed.

That being said if you would like to take me out for a last supper I would be more than happy to oblige you with my company.

So there is one thing that concerns me. It’s funny because so many things SHOULD concern me, but I can only picture really one thing that actually, albeit just slightly, concerns me. Given that I have been a hefty hula hoop all my life, I have based my identity entirely on this image. Or at least, I think I have. I mean, going out, coming in, lying down, living it up, kit and caboodle I have taken the fat with me - it has been, without a doubt, my only constant. Yes, yes, yes, it’s killing me - don’t think I haven’t forgotten, so we have to get rid of it, of course. But you see my dilemma here, don’t you? WHO IS JANIE without her hoops?

I have broken the list down to two things that I might still be, without my fat.

1. Friendly.

I think I might have been friendly as a RESULT of my fat, but it is a trait I think I might keep for the benefits of it and the presents.

2. Imaginative

I do believe I was imaginative in the womb, which is why I didn’t come out naturally and had to be pronged and tonged. I don’t imagine this going away just because my fat does.

But surely, kind folks, the rest of me, will it exist? I am loud….but will I be without the fat? Will I actually just talk at a normal decibel level for once it my life? Maybe there is fat around my vocal chords that vibrates when I speak and thus my voice RINGS OUT with fat thrumming volume…

ANYWAY - it actually kindof scares me a little to think of what I will be like because haven’t I based my entire personality around the fact that i am fat; and further, if i lose the fat, who will I be? Losing the fat means that i have nothing to fall back on (yes, including the pillowy goodness of my tuba-bum). I can no longer blame my fat as a reason of failure. Didn’t make that friend? Didn’t get that job? They’ll be all real reasons now…like, the friend didn’t actually like you - or your interview stunk…or YOU stunk.

No don’t get me wrong, I realize I have flaws outside of my image - I just tend to blame somethings on the fact that I am fat - a habit I picked up as a sortof defense mechanism, I think. In this way, my fat suit has become my security blanket, and for so long - and while it suffocates me and prevents me from doing a heck of a lot of things, it also protects me from facing realities about some situations.

I think I am ready though, to see what I will be like. I mean, as apprehensive as I am to be completely vulnerable to…well, myself, I guess, I wanna rip this band aid off to see what the scab will look like!

Eww.

More eloquently put, in taking off my burden I will feel naked at first but I’ll get used to it, and grow into the person that I want to be.

Hi again. First off, thank you for all the incredible supportive comments. I am truly blessed to have you guys behind me in this. *bow*

I have a little something that I find incredibly helpful in understanding the entire gastric bypass (hereby known as GBS) process over a two-year span. It was compiled by “LisaM” on the thinnertimes.com forum that I subscribe to. PLEASE NOTE THAT I DID NOT WRITE THIS and all the credit goes to the members of thinnertimes.comand “LisaM”.

I gathered these off a thread that we had on here around about a year ago, took off everyone’s names, added where the person was post-op, and put them in order by how far post-op the person was, so you can see how things change as we move further away from the surgery…

Things I wish I’d known:

• how hard it would be to eat and get the protein in.
• how hard it is to drink constantly.
• what types of pain I really would go through.
• what types of pain were “normal”.
• what type of protein I would be able to handle in the liquid stage (at this point, not much). (one week post-op)

I thought I would have no appetite, but I do once I get through the morning sickness stage of my day. I didn’t believe anyone when they said they couldn’t tolerate water - I am one of those people. (3 weeks post-op)

I wish that I knew how truly hard it is to eat!! I am not hungry and it is very hard to get in all the protein that my body needs. Not only is it hard to get all the protein in, when I do eat I feel guilty. Hello!!! I know I shouldn’t feel guilty, I am barely getting in 500 calories a day…but somewhere in my brain when I am eating (no matter what it is) I feel like I am being “bad”. (1 month post-op)

I was shocked at the post operative pain I personally went through - for about a week. It was hell on earth & I cried & swore every day about what I had done to myself. Maybe I am a wimp & have a low pain threshold but even so, there should be stronger analgesia on offer to those of us that are wimps. (1 month post-op)

I also wish I’d been warned how emotional I’d be too & that sticking to fluids only is psychologically very difficult; if you used to be a “foodie”. I wish I’d known how tired & weak I would be, just having a shower would exhaust me in the early days & I’d have to have a rest! (1 month out)

At nearly a month out I’m starting to feel better about why I had the surgery, the weight is melting away & I feel better physically every day. Also at last the pain is practically gone. I’m taking note of all the other advice for later in my journey & I am looking forward to more energy in a few months & a sense of elation when I get to my 100lb down mark. I’m also buying clothes on ebay as I’ve dropped two sizes already. (1 month out).

I wish I understood what a challenge taking pills would be…at least at the beginning, and how all-consuming the transition is until it becomes ‘just life.’ ( 2 months post-op)

I wish I’d known that:

• Its hard to get in all the food you are supposed to every day.
• Some days are easier than others.
• How emotional you are when you get home.
• Why your pouch is happy one day and not the next.
• Plateaus…….need I say more!
• That my co-workers are MORE supportive than I thought.
• That I would show my scar off to people all the time - I am proud of it.
• How the smell of some food turns you right off.
• That there are many different rules from doctors…..and it’s ok, they are all correct. (3 months post-op)

… How much i would really miss food early out. It was crushing to not be able to run to the fridge and drown my sorrows and pain in a pint of Ben n Jerrys. (3 months post-op)

… How much i actually thought about food! I didn’t understand why i was so obese, i honestly thought i ate pretty well most of the time. (3 months post-op)

… What a pain in the butt it is to sip sip sip sip sip sip liquids ALLLL day. (3 months post-op)

… How weird it is to “eat” dinner with your family without shoveling it in like everyone else. (3 months post-op)

… Having people that don’t know you have had the surgery assume you’re becoming deathly ill or suddenly anorexic. (3 months post-op)

… How completely amazing it feels to be at the same weight I was when i got married 8 years ago and know that I could be at a high school weight by Christmas!! (3 months post-op)

… How weird it would be to look in the mirror and finally see the person i thought i was all this time emerging from the layers. (3 months post-op) Read the rest of this entry »

So I wasn’t expecting it quite so frightfully soon but when I heard the word “Congratulations Mary Jane” in a thick southern twang, I could hardly stand up. I have booked my consultation meeting in Michigan (yes, i have to get this surgery in the states) for Novemeber 20th and hopefully the surgery will shortly after that, during my Christmas holidays.

Today I found something while I was sorting my balls of yarn (this is not a metaphor) and it made me want to post it for you all to see as a kind of introduction.  It’s a list that I made several years ago about how I felt being fat and what I would look forward to when I was not fat. It made me laugh (now) because during my biggest efforts TRYING to lose weight and the crazy exercising I was doing, I really HATED that cockamamie list because  as I continued to fail, I became more and more hopeless. Now when I read this list I am just shocked because THIS IS REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN - I AM GOING TO BE NOT FAT. (note: still can`t say thin yet)  Anyway, here is the list for you to see.

WHEN I’M FAT:

• thighs rub together
• I`m ugly
• feel sweaty all the time - usually because I am sweaty all the time
• people automatically assume that I am lazy and dirty
• i have a sea of rolls
• can`t sleep in any position I want to
• constantly comparing with others
• can`t cross my legs
• can`t wear shorts - ew!
• can`t wear tanktops - gross!
• can`t relax totally in a tub
• double chin(s)
• no collar bones
• I won`t sit on Donny`s lap
• I`ve broken 3 chairs
• barely fit into an airplane seat
• people don`t like sitting beside me on the bus
• can`t breathe while painting toe-nails
• hate myself
• hate being on camera
• thick ankles
• get tired and cranky easily
• I can`t sit just anywhere
• fat bride - probably won`t enjoy my wedding day like I deserve to
• can`t dance
• fat elbows - meaning: i have no elbows
• my mom is constantly worried that i have diabetes (although this is more a joke now)
• avoid mirrors
• someone at college called me lardo
• I like the handicapped bathrooms because they are more comfortable!
• I`m totally unhealthy
• I feel ashamed everywhere I go
• I hurt all over

Wow it`s totally embarrassing for me to write that out - but there you go. THAT`S what it`s like to be fat, folks - plus a million other little things that I didn`t say.

Now don`t go feeling sorry for me because this NEXT list is what I have looked forward to and what I have dreamed about for a very long time.  But first, a little history: I started dieting when I was a little girl and have struggled through many many MANY attempts to lose weight. As a result my body is no longer responding to dieting, and no matter how much I exercise the weight is not coming off. My doctor referred me to a weight loss clinic who right away offered me a chance to go through a process to be covered for Gastric Bypass Surgery. I went through a large series of tests and therapy sessions and they deemed me the perfect candidate for this surgery. That was all over a period of 6 months where I have been put on a doctor assisted diet and plan, which I am not surprised didn`t work, and now I have been approved. I feel like I have won the lottery here - this is not only a 25,000 dollar procedure but this is going to save my life.

That being said, this is what I have to look forward to. The list I made 6 years ago and what I have driven for ever since, except of course when I threw the little book of lists in my yarn box because it was so incredibly poopy to read.

What I look forward to when I am not fat:

• be able to wear the style of clothes that I want and not just because they kinda fit
• wedding dress of my dreams
• cheekbones
• confidence
• no double chin action!
• sleeping better
• tattoos!
• not hiding behind glam makeup or glasses
• tee hee compliments
• inspiring people
• kneeling, bending, running, soccer, dancing, yoga, whatever i want!
• not out of breath
• no worry of weight related health complications
• SAFE PREGNANCIES for the future!!!
• energy
• seeing my bellybutton
• people won`t immediately judge me based on my weight
• sit on Donny!
• Donny can pick me up and swing me around!
• no feeling ashamed or crying myself to sleep
• no more sweaty janie
• not hurting
• a sense of accomplishment
• play with children more
• a beautiful bride!
• go for spa treatments without being embarrassed
• feeling in control
• shock people I haven`t seen in a long time
• not making my weight the brunt of all my jokes
• fit in canoe better
• less to shave! haha
• no more fancy dresses custom made to fit my body

And there you have it.

I will keep you posted. I am a little overwhelmed now.