/bypass

I repeat my apology that is so sincerely stated in my subject line. My life has been the opposite of busy, but at the same time I have filled it up with writing plot scenarios and hashing out chapters.

I have been contemplating things over the past few weeks. I think that writers get judged harshly and that most people stick them into terrible stereotypes. I realize that stereotypes ring some tones of truth, but lemme tell you a little somethin’ somethin’. If someone paints, for hours a day, every day, they sweat, cry, pour their heart and their soul into their painting, is it wrong to call themselves a painter? Do they have to be PAID in order to have the societal “right” to call themselves a painter? I don’t think that they do. I was a freelance artist for awhile. I got paid to paint and to draw comics, but I would have considered myself an artist, a comic artist to be specific, before I was paid to do it. Why? Because I practiced all the time, mostly during church events - haha. I also drew and painted many comic pieces that I gave away to people as presents. I have also done this with my writing.

When someone asks me, “what do you do” I get all fangdangled because of my current situation of being in between everything. I am not a student because I am on summer holidays, I am not a employee of anything (yet) and I fill my hours writing in a squished orange chair (or wherever there is the least amount of noise). The last time someone asked me “what do you do?” I said “I write” and they scoffed - following up with “well have you had anything published?” to which I replied “no, but..” to which they interrupted, “well then, you aren’t a writer.” scoff scoff scoff. Other things were said, but at the time I was flustered and babbly because I cannot seem to grasp the concept of immediate retort and end up surrendering to hurt feelings. Now, I am not hurt in the slightest, as this was several weeks ago. I understand the reasoning behind the scoff. It is because of jokes like this:

I know what you are thinking because I think it too. I know that writing rarely turns into something you can actually live off of and that people like JK Rowling, or Mormon Sensation Stephanie Myers hit the ultimate jackpots. I know that most people who want to be writers, or who are writers, wouldn’t be able to really get their books published. I know it’s a crap situation out there. I know that e-books are replacing the comfort of the novel. I know this all - but what I know more than any of this is that I don’t give friggin’ ratcraps about anything other than that I have a story that is bursting out of me that I can’t resist from writing it down. Does this make me better than anyone else? Hell no. On the contrary, I am throwing rationality out of my cerebral window, which makes me a fool — or an artist. Who knows? Definitely not you, or me.

Yes, I’ll get a “real” job. Yes, I’ll finish my Honours Degree. Yes, I’ll marry Donny and be the best wife I can be, but I’ll silently curse you to hell if you come at me with an attitude that I am somehow failing to be a writer, because I’m not getting PAID for it.

And another thing! If anyone judges my writing on this blog, shame on you! This blog is hardly a creative effort. It’s a rambling bambling mess! It’s vomit on toast.

And for those of you who want to see the rest of Flight and the Conchords’ song “Hurt Feelings” here it is:

I should probably add that I am not hurt by the comments made about me writing and how pretentious I sound when I say that I am working on a novel…I just really wanted to embed that video. <3

Peace.

And of course, if you are up for it we can have a healthy debate of what it really means to be an artist.

For the last, what, 3 months? 4 months? I have been losing 1-2 pounds a week steadily. On an EXTREMELY LUCKY week I could lose 3 pounds but always sorta stalled a bit after those weeks. Now, I have lost 5 pounds in 5 days and it’s sorta freaking me out! I am not doing anything differently, I don’t think. I threw up last night hardcore style because I ate reheated meat which is a big hellno for us bypassers because the rubbery consistency that comes out of the microwave just sits like a brick in our pouches. I thought I could beat the system (system of what exactly, janie?) but alas, no, PUUUUKE, broken blood vessels in my face, it was THAT hardcore. After I looked in the mirror I thought I had just given birth. Congratulations it’s a slightly used rubbery hamburger!

Anyway, this makes my weight loss to date 83 pounds.

OH, I will say this because I just remembered. I have been very intolerant to sweetener lately and have replaced it with real sugar. This is a very new development of about 5 or 6 days since my time with Grant and Denise in Crystal Beach where they are adamantly against aspartame. Maybe the extra calories or something is giving me a bit of a boost!? I have no freaking idea. If sugar is making me lose weight than I think my head will explode from the years of sugar deprivation! haha. No. Sugar is still bad. But maybe in my case, having VERY LITTLE SUGAR EVER, it’s causing my body to not store all the fat. I have no idea. Don’t go out and eat more sugar because I said so. I have no idea if this is the reason…but it is what I have been doing differently. Weird.

But what if there is something like…wrong? What if…what if I am leaking blood somewhere? OR my blood is evaporating? 5 pounds of blood MISSING!!!!!!! What if.

Oh, did you guys know that I respond to your comments that you make on the website by writing comments underneath yours? Some of you ask questions and I answer them usually by writing a comment underneath the comments that you make. I know not whether you are notified of this comment exchange, so I thought I would tell you this, in case you think that I am ignoring you! I am not ignoring you! I LOVE YOU! Thank you all so much for the continued support that you have given me these past 8+ months. You have stuck with me through thick and now thinner and I appreciate your encouragement and laughter. xoxoxo

Hullo again. I realize that I wrote to you last night stating that I was too afraid to show you any progress pics because I am sortof self conscious about my hanging body fat. Swing batta batta! Anyway, this morning I stepped on the scale SIX TIMES because I was trapped in a realm of disbelief. The scale read…get ready for it. 241. TWO FOURTY FRICKING ONE. Somehow in my insane novel writing last night and the tea that kept me up til 4:30am, I lost two more pounds. What the h-bloody-ell? Whatever. I am taking it. My penance for being so lame and not showing you progress pictures, is of course, to show you progress pictures. So i got up, got dressed, put on some face (cause uhm, dudes it’s the morning) and posed away for the camera.

Two things that I am noticing about this batch. No wonder the chick at the plus size store thought I was pregnant. I DO LOOK PREGNANT! Sigh. But it’s like a 1st trimester pregnant and not a 3rd at least, AND…and and…it’s cause of that hanging inner tube that I have mentioned before - so I have bravely pulled it out in the last picture to show you exactly what I have to deal with. I realize that it’s incredibly embarrassing to show you one’s roll of fat in all its glory - but this blog is real and real dictates that I must pull out my fat to show you the truth of the matter. Losing weight rapidly as I have done over the past 6 months (yes it’s almost been that long, folks!) changes the way your skin holds your chunk. This is why they offer the tummy tuck in Canada for free if you’ve lost 100 pounds in a year, because we Canadians value these sort of things. Yes, cut back on Needle Exchange programs because of lack of funding, but pay for a bunch of tummy tucks because flat tummies are essential for the betterment of mankind.)**

**actually it’s cause the fatter people of this world can get nasty rashes under their loose skin, and that can lead to skin complications.

ANYway - I will get to the juices.

Peace out! <3

I am SO close to losing 80 pounds that I think that if I breathe out hard enough I shall in fact lose it.

I am having a hard time, folks, with these progression pictures. I feel all of a sudden really self conscious, like you guys won’t see the difference and I am almost ashamed or something.

My skin is hanging in weird places, but not so much that you can tell it’s really loose skin - but I can tell. It looks like deflated fat. The fat just hangs lower than it used to. It’s weird and it makes me sortof poopy. My sentences are short and choppy! CHOP! KAH! FRUG! Anyway, I am embarrassed and I need some encouragement.

I made some changes to the site to make it more user friendly. I categorized all my pre-op things with the category name “pre-op” (how creative of me) so that you can click on “pre-op” under the categories on the side menu and it will bring up only the posts that are pre-op. MOUTHFULL!

This weekend I enjoyed the company of very close friends in Crystal Beach. We laughed and talked and talked…and talked and Donny and I enjoyed some hot-tubbing. It’s my home away from home. Thank you Grant and Denise for a very needed weekend together.

Plans for the wedding are also going smoothly now that we have picked a date and I am comfortable with it being on a Sunday. For awhile I was sad because I always thought the perfect DAY to have a wedding would be on Saturday - but after realizing that having it on the Sunday will save us 2k, I became quite comfortable with the idea.

We are less stressed (aka a hell of a lot less stressed) since Donny got full time hours at his job. I didn’t get that job at the plus size store but I am still looking around and handing off resumes.

Do you guys know how fan-freakingtastic Donny is? Lemme tell you a bit about my Donny. He is thee most amazing person in the whole universe and I love him more as each day passes, if that’s at all possible. For the past four years plus, we have had an unbelievable time together and I have not heard of a couple that is happier than we are (of course, I am sortof bias). I have never been with anyone who I truly respect and cherish to the very core until now. For him, I have the most tremendous appreciation - for all that he does for me, for our relationship, and for being the creative, generous and loving man that he is. I just wanted to let you know this not because I haven’t said it before, and not because I’ve done something naughty and I am trying to apologize, but just because I love him and I will continue to love him in every way I can, including shamelessly shouting about it on this blog.

Now that I have melted your heart, I think I will go drink some 11:40pm tea and try to write a bit of my novel. Although, seeing as how this blog entry is terribly written I might want to not attempt to write my novel tonight as I will most likely be discouraged and gnash my teeth.

Should I get over my woes and just post progress pictures already? How can I do this? I am feeling like I have gained 20 pounds of loose skin.

You’d think, that working at a plus size store, you’d learn some discretion when it comes to guessing whether or not your customers are with child, or just with fat. As much I would like to be pregnant, over the option of being with fat, I am stuck with the larder.

When I was ten, I wasn’t that fat. I was chubby, and in the early 90’s this was probably just as bad as the morbidly obese two year olds that you see on Dr. Phil now-a-days. (don’t get me started on how sad that is). All of chubby ten year old me was in the bathroom at my old church, which was almost as shady as the lady who walked in while I was washing my hands. She asked, “how old are you?” and I replied “almost eleven” (because we all know that *ten* is a baby number) and she said, “well, Mary (as in the Hailed) was 14 when she was pregnant with Jesus” and I blinked at her because I didn’t really know what she was going the hell on about. Then she asked, “When are you due?” and I said “I’m TEN YEARS OLD and I am not pregnant.” Then she went into the stall to squeeze out her hail marys and I cried buckets of tears. FREAKING BUCKETS.

Today while shopping for a dress for a friend’s wedding in June, I felt pretty damn good about myself. I floated around the store in a purple get up, showing the employees my glorious new figure. Or so I thought. Upon trying to choose the right kind of pantyhose the retail associate said, “you might want to go for maternity” and I said, “hell yeah, more comfy, I hear ya!” trying to shake off the fact that she was being sorta lame. But no, her lameness went further. “Well,” said the impertinent retail associate, “you will be even bigger come June!” and I said “God, I hope not! That’s sortof the opposite of what I want to be.” I was still kinda not understanding what the hell she was talking about. I mean, COME ON! So she answered my confusion by saying, WHILST TOUCHING THE BIGGEST PART OF MY STOMACH, “Oh my, I thought you were pregnant.”

There are several things wrong with this situation.

A. It’s a plus size store, asslady. You don’t assume EVER. EVER-ER. never.

B. She touched my stomach AFTER she realized that I was not pregnant. What are you hoping to feel exactly? Fat doesn’t KICK, idiotface. Unless it’s my fat leg, kicking your ass.

C. AGAIN, like I was when I was ten years old, I DO NOT LOOK PREGNANT. I don’t get it. I mean, yeah when I was ten I cried buckets because I was hurt, but then several gazillion people assured me that crazy lady in the bathroom didn’t know what the hee haw hell she was talking about and that she must have been blind. Again, at 25 years old, having lost almost 80 pounds, I sortof look…almost normal. Yes, I have a lifesaver underneath my boobs, but how is that even close to what a pregnant person looks like in their blossoming state? DOES MY FAT GLOW FOR YA, BEOTCH? My stomach does not even come close to looking like a NORMAL pregnant belly.

It’s a dang shame that my body is WEIRD LOOKING right now. The only place that hasn’t shrunk is the much mentioned inner tube. I don’t  know why - I don’t really care to be honest, It’s no biggie (well it IS but i mean no problem) It’ll go when it’s ready.

In other news, I found a dress! And it’s beautiful! I look very non-fertilized in it, which is fortunate.

It is now that I am being truly tested, but I feel that I am managing well. I am unemployed and stressed to the max, avoiding (as much as I can) the fears that I have about the future and the uncertainty of my situations in life. I love my life, I really do. I love my Donny and I love my apartment and my new party body (a nick name that we have come up with to explain the weird sortof hip sway walk I do now). But I am stressed. SO FREAKING STRESSED and it’s taking its toll emotionally. Unemployment is GREAT and TERRIBLE. It’s great because I get to be with the person I love most in the world 24/7. We get to wake up, and have our morning (read: afternoon) coffees and apply for jobs and the cuddle and lounge around after we have applied for our jobs. I get to watch the strange things that my cats do inside grocery bags and with teddy bears. But it’s only a matter of time before I WILL BE EATING GUM OFF THE STREET. I have applied for over 70 jobs now and have received not one call back. It’s not only me. A number of people I know are struggling as well.

I don’t know what else to do but keep trying and make sure I don’t let my unemployment stress and anxiety turn into a full blown case of depression. So you can imagine that me keeping my head above the water right now in that area has taken away from my full focus on losing weight. I am still losing. The grand total being 77 pounds lost now, but I could be doing better. The truth is, is that I don’t want to try as hard as I can because if I do, and if I fail I don’t know if I could handle it. At least this way, I am succeeding, little by little, it’s enough to get by on. That sounds dumber written down than it did in my head, but it’s the honest to Zeus truth. So I am just kinda “going through the motions” or something as cliched and retarded as that. I am just waking up, taking my vitamins, checking my energy levels, working out if I can, and looking for jobs. I don’t know if I have the emotional strength to take the time that I have off while I am not working and spent it doing 2 hours in the gym every day. I could be, but I think I’d rather chop my legs off and eat them. (which brings up the grand dismay I have about my calves in their patriotic glory fluttering like flags for having the most loose skin of all the other calves in all the world).

Novel writing is going good. I have doubled the relaxation of the activity by creating a shelf that sits on the bath that I can use as a desk while I am taking a bath. If you have been reading this blog in its entirety, you know that baths are the best things in the whole frakking universe.The shelf is the bestest thing everer, but sometimes i forget about the world and realize too late that I am either freezing and blue or feverish and magenta.

Odd things about being 77 pounds lighter.

I can cross my legs under my desk, both in my office and the shelf that I made for the bath.

I wear a size 16 now and am in desperate need of pants!

I can run on the treadmill for a long period of time (although I shouldn’t because it hurts my ankle)

My knees hit each other while I am sleeping and it frakking hurts!!!! (gotta love that I am using the word Frak all of a sudden after being overloaded with Battlestar Galactica Episodes!)

Philip Glass is the best ever to work out to. (this isn’t related to 77 pounds down, but I think that you should know.)

Sometimes I feel like I wanna run around the apartment and dance and jump like a silly bean - other times I feel like I can’t get out of bed because I am a pile of mush. (like today for example)

I DO NOT CRAVE BREAD. I never thought I would say this, but I really don’t. It’s strange and I think that I have somehow become host to a wheat intolerant alien.

I think that’s it. Sorry for the randomness. I seem to be not so into writing in the blog because of the novel writing. Truth is, when I am in that world, it’s hard to come out of it.

Tomorrow night I am going to see Star Trek, and I am going to sit in the theatre with AMPLE room in between the arm rest and my bum. It’s always bothered me how tight of a fit it was before when I was over 300. It was so embarrassing, even though in the darkness of the theatre nobody notices, unless you are me, and are looking around to see if anyone else is suffering. Tomorrow night I will sit down, with my ample room and I will enjoy a film without being embarrassed. Take THAT!

So the good news is — I’m FREAKING DONE school for the year. I realize that I will have to go back to school in 4 months but holy crappy-oli, it feels good to be able to have a change. The best part, and I really do mean best, is that I can READ for fun again and write my novel. For purposes of researching my own genre I picked up some of the latest fantasy books that I have not read. I have to say that I am almost very much sick of fantasy books lately. They seem to be all the same.  Old man — prophecy — a magic sword — names filled with meaningless apostrophes. I realize that my novel will be a fantasy but I am hoping to break the uniform and wear those teflon pants.

I have had three friends from BC up this past week and spent a little time with each of them which was very refreshing. I went to Toronto with two of them and yesterday I walked around for hours on Queens St. going into little shops and poking things. As a result I am sore - incredibly so - but I lost 2 pounds. This has reiterated the fact to me that exercise is the solution to my plateaus. I guess after losing 24% of my original body weight it’s much harder for me to lose without actually working HARD.

With that said, I have just popped a werther’s original in my mouth and will work out tomorrow after handing out resumés.

For now I will curl up with my new books and my febreeze candle and enjoy a few hours of escape from things that have been getting me rather down lately. I can’t tell you what they are exactly, because that would strip the confidentiality of others off of some people’s backs - and although I may be loud, and awkward, I am no back stripper.

Well I finally hit my half way point of 73 pounds lost!! (that’s half way to 175 from 322 by the way). So my new weight is 249! I took pictures but none of them turned out because they aren’t at the right angle and can’t be properly set up with the other photos in photoshop without me looking like I am three feet tall. Not that I have anything against being three feet tall - it’s just that I am not…and I wouldn’t want people to assume that having a gastric bypass creates some sort of crazy shrinking of height. SOooo I’ll have to re-take the pictures (aka get donny to take them) and the right angle.

I don’t think I have anything else I have to say. My stress is diminishing with every exam that I finish up. I am done 2 and have 3 more to go next week.

Oh I will say this actually… Losing weight really really really makes the whole dropping off resumes and talking to managers to try and apply for jobs a heck of a lot easier. I mean, we all know that I am not skinny minny, but they just look at me differently - without as much judgment in their twinkling eyes. I need a job, desperately so I must say that losing this 73 pounds will most likely help the whole application process a fair amount. It’s sad really. When I was heavier people would automatically assume I was lazy! Hell, I know I am lazy - but that’s not the first impression that I want to give people because of my weight Actually, I shouldn’t say that - I am a lot less lazy than I was.

Anyway - hoorah for hitting half way in 4.5 months! I know that I said I was going to reward myself with something when I hit 73, but I really can’t afford to do so - which is okay. It is reward enough to know that what I have accomplished thus far is changing my life for the better slowly but surely. And yes, I could use  a new pair of pants - but why waste the money when they will be baggy in a month Oh, and Value Village had NOTHING to offer me. All the sizes were either 14s or 26s. I was very discouraged. Luckily the weather has been sortof nice and I have one pair of shorts that isn’t too big for me and I salvaged some old belts that were holding some area rugs together.

Next time I post I promise that I will have some photos!

Exercise I mean. I’ve been unusually stressed lately. It seems like everything in my life is completely out of my control - and I attributed this to my weight loss, but I realize now that it wasn’t fair to do so. Yes, money, car, job, future, friendships - out of my control. ONE thing that isn’t out of my control is my weight loss. I can be in control of that. I have to own that.

Someone said today that the doctors did a surgery on my stomach, and not my brain. There are a lot of emotional things that I am dealing with as a result of not being able to turn to food for comfort. I used to drown my bread in butter, peanut butter and honey - huge thick slices if I could get my hands on them - and then glug it down with a big glass of milk. There was something about that peanut butter and honey milk mixture that sent me into some sort of euphoria. I sometimes ate this every night - usually alone and in the dark. It was my tradition. In retrospect I now realise that I have had this tradition since I was a child. Many of you might know, if you know my family, that my mom made the best gosh darn bread in the universe when we were growing up. I ate this bread for breakfast, lunch, snack and with my dinner - and sometimes for dessert. I am NOT kidding you. I don’t know when I started to eat in the dark. I just remember doing it. We had terribly shaky windows in our old house on PV Road (ahh nostalgia kicking in) and every time you walked on the floor, the windows would rattle and bang as if you were a two tonne elephant (I was fat, but not that fat!).

Getting downstairs to sneak food was hard. Not only did the windows shake but the stairs creaked (which is partly why I rejoiced when my brother installed carpeting on the stairs one year). I would try to tip toe, but if you know me even the SLIGHTEST…I don’t know how to whisper, tip toe, or hush any part of my body…ever. I also have a brother who has the ears of a Ferengi. He could literally hear me breathe from 3 floors up. Since his lair was underneath the creaky stairs and the humming fridge (I told you, he can hear frequencies that dogs can’t hear) this would make my epic stealth mission that much harder. Which is why, when i finally got downstairs, opened cupboards, cut bread, slapped butter, peanut butter and honey on said bread, (I might add that getting a knife out of a cutlery slot thing is not the quietest thing in the world), it was deliciously exciting to then sit in the dark, alone, and eat….eatttttttttttt that frighteningly good bread. Eat it alone where not one person could pass judgement - not even me, because I was THAT stealthy and clever as to not get caught doing it so I must have deserved the bread…the luscious bread.

Anyway, back to what i was saying - It is difficult to NOT eat - not because of any sort of willpower, because we all know that such a thing does not truly exist as a dynamic force in one’s life - it is difficult to not be ABLE to eat. To not have that comfort. AND to watch one’s spouse, we will call him FONNY as to not mention his true identity, eat anything he desires. In fact, he is pouring cheerios into a mixing bowl as we speak.

- a - mixing - bowl - sighhhhhhhh (to be fair, all the cereal bowls are dirty! I’m a terrible wife!)

So yes - the gastric bypass is over - and now I must adjust completely or I will not be able to mentally survive. I have not lost ANY weight since my 69 pound loss. I am in a desert. I can mope about this or I can take this time to reflect on what is TRULY going on in my mind. Weight loss is great - but it’s not everything and I have learned this week that it CANNOT be everything because if the numbers become the reason - I lose faith in myself if then numbers don’t change. That’s what has happened unfortunately and I am digging myself out of the pile of crap that fell on top of me. WHY should the numbers make me feel like such a failure. The answer is they shouldn’t. I can’t let them. I need to accept my numbers for what they are - make adjustments yes, add more exercise yes, but don’t lose hope. Every morning I have woken up and placed my stubbly little toes on that cold black machine and it has blinked its evil red eyes at me: 253 - 253 - 253 (because I always weigh myself compulsively 3 times to check to see if it’s REALLY true). Tomorrow I will get up and it will probably say 253, but I am not going to make this an issue tomorrow. I am going to maybe kick the scale across the bathroom floor - but that’s it.

As I have already mentioned I am under a considerable amount of stress unrelated to my weight loss right now. I burned this stress into the floor of the gym today. 35 minutes on the bike, 20 minutes on the treadmill, and 2 rotations of weights. If I get 253 tomorrow morning it’s okay - because at 322, I was unable to RUN on a treadmill, or sit on the bike for more than 20 minutes without my bum becoming numb.

This is my journey. Whatever happens - happens..and I have to respect that I’ve come this far.

I know better than to talk about my novel right before bed, but susan had to ask and of course my little heart exploded to joy to tell - and now of course I can’t sleep, or especially TRY to sleep when Donny is sleeping so very peacefully and has work tomorrow morning. Shoot. I just remembered he asked me to drive him, which means I have to get up to..which means that, sigh, I should be in bed - but this argument is circular, you see, because susan got me talking about the book and I can never sleep when I have opened up that part of my mind. I try to keep impenetrable forces surrounding it as to not let the infiltration of insane ideas penetrate my every day life - especially not my sleep. Whatever. What is done is done!

Weird things.

1. I went to a bar last night because some friends were playing in their band and Donny wanted to take pictures and chill. Since I have lost weight (69 pounds as of today) I guess I ….well, I donno, I guess I am more confident and guys are picking up on that?? It’s hard to say. I guess I was all glammed up too. Anyway, these 2 guys were hitting on me, one more than the other and I can’t really pinpoint how I felt about it. You have to understand that I am TOTALLY not used to this AT ALL. I never had training on how to ward off boys and I never EVER got attention from them when I was in highschool, or college even. I went through this period of time when I got skinnier for like 6 months by doing the hot dog diet (atkins), but I was single - oh so single - and I barhopped a little for some fun…but that was different. Now I am NOT single and NOT wanting stupid idiot drunk guys sitting on my lap and breathing in my face. So last night this happened and I felt like I should be friendly because after all I am a friendly person. But then I had a complex about whether or not this was giving them the wrong impression, and which point I yelled “THIS IS MY HUSBAND” and grabbed donny’s hand…which shocked the boys and they started applauding Donny. Then donny got all protective, thank GOD, and the boys left.

But, uhm, like…I don’t know what the “procedure” is for a girl to shoo away the boys in a friendly way. I mean, obviously it feels GOOD to be noticed by men…because it’s all part of having confidence, but doubly obviously is the fact that I would never ever want to make any man feel like he had any sort of chance, or something - I donno. It’s all just so new to me. I am just glad Donny was there.

If donny wasn’t there though, do you like say “GO AWAY IM MARRIED” or something like right off the bat?? I mean, I’m a friendly person, so that just sounds mean! But at the same time i want to be respectful and loyal to Donny in every way I possibly can. Donny doesn’t care that I talk to other guys, obviously, and he didn’t “protect” me until I reached for him to do so…but…how do I “protect” myself? There has to be like some sort of way…I am sure of it.

I sound like I am being conceited, and I am not…really truly I know that I am still way fat and stuff, but lately I have been exuding this confidence that everyone picks up on, including men in bars. And it’s not like these are hot guys, ew, these are drunk idiots….bar idiots…so it’s not like I am picking up men or saying I’m hot look at me. I am saying I need to like ward off idiots but I’d like to try and do so in a nice way. When i was fatter I did not have this problem AT ALL. I barely kept eye contact with any guys…but now I like to look around, smile and have a good time.

I ended up having to leave the bar. I am not bar person at all anyway, in fact I hate the bar - I’d much rather read a book, but like I said we were there to see some friends play some music.

2. Does anyone have some clothes that are too big for them, around like size 16-20 pants and XL shirts? I am running out of clothes!!!!! my pants are much to big for me lately and my belts aren’t doing the best job at keeping them up. I just can’t bear to BUY jeans that I am only going to be able to wear for like a month. I could try value village, but not having a vehicle makes that difficult…so I just thought I would ask some of you guys first. Maybe someone should just come pick me up to take me to value village That is FAR more likely to happen then someone giving me clothes !!! :)

I guess I am getting tired after all. GOOD now that I have remembered that I have to drop donny off at work at 8. Murrrr. I will be so grumpy tomorrow morning, which is a shame because my mommay and sister are picking me up to go to lunch. Maybe I can cajoodle my mom into taking me to Value Village…hmmmmmmmmm.

For fun. Here is a picture of a baby elephant. <3

I have decided that lately - as in from the beginning of my weight loss - I have been worried whether or not I have been losing weight FAST enough, good enough, or comparing it to other people who have had the surgery. This has got to stop and I am going to set some boundaries in my head. You know, a little over 3 months ago, I was 322 pounds. I can barely remember what that feels like now. I need to reflect a little, I think, on what it felt like to, say, go to a weight watchers meeting and fail. (notice i didn’t say “epic fail” - because i realize that most of you are not nerds). I have sat through 3 or 4 “welcome to weight watchers” meetings…and you know what? Weight Watcher’s is a good program, but it didn’t work for me. I had this conversation with my mom the other day. The program is far to easy for me to weasel my way around and eat ONLY carbohydrates if I “calculate my points right” - so yeah….I need to remember how hard it was for me to lose weight BEFORE this surgery. And it wasn’t just with Weight Watchers - I failed over, and over, and over again with a million diets and a million schemes. And you know what? This time I am not failing, but somehow I have this complex where I am STILL not satisfied. It’s a joke and I need to STOP.

There is something else that has been on my mind - something that I mentioned to my sister when she visited the other day (<3) that I can’t quite…I donno. I am…interested in knowing if anyone has had this situation.

First let me pre-ramble my ramble by saying I have been strutting myself around campus. Oh people…I know I have a ways to go. Hell, I’m not even half way to my Ultimate Goal (almost!!!!). So I do not consider myself thin; however, my mentality has changed. I have this new confidence about me. I think it’s my jean jacket that Donny pulled out of an old box. I haven’t worn it since I was like 200 pounds. (for some reason i am almost as skinny on top as i was at 200 pounds, even though I’m 257??? I don’t get it either) So yeah, I’ve been confident lately, and why not? I mean, my body is changing, life is good, spring is here, wee! Okay but that’s not the point of this story. The point is, I no longer feel outcast at school. I no longer even feel fat to tell you the truth. I mean, I KNOW i am - but i don’t feel like it. I feel normal. I feel awesome, but then something weird happened.

In the past - when i have been fat and FELT fat, aka 322 pounds, I have had “moments” with other fat strangers. It’s sortof like an eye contact connection. For example, in a lineup at the bank I would see a fat person, and they would see me - and if we were looking at each other at the exact same moment, there is this instant connection. I can feel the energy BOUNCING off of them into me. They are saying “hello, i’m fat too - i have been in so many of the same situations as you” or they are saying “hello, i’m fat and you are fat - so I know, in this split second that you are not judging me, so thank you for that”

I am a firm believer that many things can be said without words. I call these moments for fat people the “fat connections”. I have had a zillion million fat connections with people i have never met. That moment of eye contact where I feel an overwhelming sense of what they are feeling and thinking. If you cannot for the life of you understand what I am saying the only way I can sortof equate this is if you are white and you moved to a village in africa and there were NO white people at all - and then after a month of living there a white person happened to walk by, and you looked at each other. There would be that moment where you’d be like “hey we’re both white” (nothing against races here…im just saying…it’s a connection purely based on looks).
SO ANYWAY - ugh i can’t write tonight or something - This fat connection happened to me at school the other day waiting in line for a bus with a girl who was much bigger than me. Or i should say, the fat connection didn’t really happen because I didn’t want or let it happen. I could see that she was looking at me, waiting for my eye contact. in fact she KEPT looking at me and I kept looking away because I did not WANT it to happen. I didn’t want to have a fat connection with her. I don’t want to have them anymore because I don’t want to be fat anymore. But then i felt BAD because I wasn’t looking at her…and then I felt bad because I will kind of miss that feeling of “hey we have something in common” because thin people do not have thin connections - there is no such thing! Everyone is thin, gosh darn it! So…then we got on the bus…and I was behind her and I was about to sit beside her and she put her purse on the seat! So then I felt even worse! So i took the seat across from her and then i crossed my legs and wasn’t even TOUCHING the arm rests (woot) but then I felt bad for even FEELING GOOD about that because there was that girl across from me who I could tell was all like self conscious and exactly how I felt 65 pounds ago. Aghh it was so confusing.

If you are confused. I will make it better. Here is a summary:

1. She saw me as fat - because I still am and wanted to connect with me through eye contact (fat connection).
2. I didn’t want to because I am on an insane confidence kick.
3. She felt bad for me not looking at her.
4. I felt bad for her feeling bad.
5. She didn’t want me to sit with her because she felt self concious.
6. I sat down, crossed my legs and didn’t hit the arm rests which made me feel wicked.
7. Then i remembered her obvious pain - and felt bad.
8. Thus the confusion I feel about the entire situation.

ARGH. Did ANY of that make sense???? I know it totally makes sense to me. Whatever. I am not even going to try and re-explain the insanity that is my story.

This is a super long post but I have to keep writing because I haven’t even got to the whole point of WHY I got out of bed to write this and that is that I want to make a list of goals. I need to set my priorities straight a little, and especially because school is almost done. I have been stuck in sortof a rut throughout winter and thank GOD I am climbing out of it. It’s very encouraging to say the least. The fact that I am even MAKING goals right now is a very good sign that things are on an upturn. So here we go!

These aren’t really going to be in order because who cares.

1. Exercise more. My ankle is wrecked. I need to accept this and push past it. Legs don’t move themselves. Need some sort of…exercise routine
2. Assign Bill Paying dates - like Tuesday: Pay Retarded Cogeco Bill.
3. taxes
4. Stop eating chocolate on a regular basis. Seriously. No more. Ugh.
5. More protein shakes! I mean, the thinning hair is sortof nice, but I don’t want to be bald!
6. Sleep at more manageable hours (this will most likely occur if I have an exercise routine)
7. Art more. I worked on some drawing last week and it reminded me of how much I love to draw. it was nice.
8. Go out more. My vitamin D supplments are not an excuse to NOT go outside.
9. Visit my wedding venue! MUST GO!
10. Dream more. I miss swimming inside my brain and finding new things I haven’t thought about. Things are a little stale in there and I need to go fishing.

So there you have it. It’s so nice to be able to BE THIS WAY compared to what I have been feeling for the past couple of months. ugh i hate winter. Seriously - it’s such a bummer!

Donny and I have insane clashing schedules and he has not been able to take pictures of me until today as we both skipped out on work and school. (i have an essay to write) So yay for us for being able to sleep in til 2:00pm and then get up and have coffee together (aka. me having 2 sips) and take pictures of my progress. As of yesterday, because i don’t weigh myself every day anymore (messes with my head, yo!) I am down 61 pounds. I actually hit 60 pounds last week, but hovered there for about 5 days due to womanly reasons - delightful. So I am hoping my one pound loss is now me being back to normal.

So without further ado I present to you, my album called: “YOU CAN FO’ DAMN SURE SEE IT IN MY FACE!”

My last couple of posts have been depressing, but I am not sorry - I feel it is reality, and therefore should not be apologized for. This has by far been the worst winter, I think i’ve said that here before…but I am feeling much better lately. The weather is warmer for starters, which gives me a little hope. Also, I have NOT been SKIPPING on my VITAMINS. And - and and - well, I’ve been out of the house a few times.

It’s also kind of refreshing to be able to see such a major change in my face. I look in the mirror a lot - because i am completely narcissistic - and lately I look at myself and i’m just like woah - that’s me now! The weight loss is still slow, but I am getting used to it. I will not have lost all my weight before Mel and Luke’s wedding in June, where I was determined to wear a sexy dress, but I’m okay with that now. I mean GEE it’s not MY wedding folks. Certainly I will be wearing the sexy dress at that event - no questions asked! Mel and Luke’s wedding in June was just a mini goal for me…and who knows I might still be able to look good in a dress, we’ll see. I’ve just never been able to wear a cute dress that wasn’t either made for me or I have felt completely uncomfortable in. For my prom I wore a black sheet - no offense to the seamstress who actually did a wonderful job but I was fat - lets see if i can find a picture.

Ah yes, the blue wrappy shall thing did so much to cover up a myriad of woes.

And here is me dancing with Jonathan at my sister’s wedding where i was Maid of Honour - in a green tent.

Don’t EVEN get me started on what I wore to Mark and Leslie’s Wedding. EW - I will NEVER forgive myself for the WORST DRESS POSSIBLE with leggings and DEFINING FAT BAND on my stomach. Photo courtesy of Joel Danielson.

So you see folks - i would like to wear a nice dress to Mel and Luke’s wedding. I mean, for those out there who think I am calling myself ugly again - I’m not. I am just saying I want to wear a dress that will make me feel awesome and beautiful and wonderful. FOR ONCE in my life. So yeah - that’s my next mini goal. I won’t be the skinniest I wanted to be because my weight loss is too slow for that but at least I want to find a nice dress. That is all.

It has been so long I don’t even know where to begin. Perhaps with an apology. Sorry. Sorry sorry sorry!

Okay now that that is over with I will say Hello and thank you for all your warm comments as of late saying that you miss my blog entries. It was very much appreciated. It has been a rough month all together - for several reasons, all of which have nothing to do with you. You lucked out this time!

Number One: We still do not have a vehicle. I am a prisoner in my apartment. I cannot go see friends willy nilly, wallie dallie, or fiddle faddle and I wish very much that I could. Some of you may say that I could walk. Well, yes I could, but apart from my ankle still giving me heck on uneven ground (like snow covered ground) it’s cold, and miserable…and I don’t like having no vehicle. Don’t lecture me about getting outside to take in air because your kind hearted advice will be snorted at. I hate winter. I hate the cold. I hate frozen snot and foggy glasses. I hate falling in half frozen puddles (happened last week) and having bits of rock embedded in my hands which prevent me from peeling potatoes.

Number Two (no, not poo) - my weight loss has very much slowed down to about 2 pounds per week. I know. I know. Scoff your heads off. But when you are dropping like 7 pounds a minute one day and then 2 pounds a week the next, it’s plays tricks with your head. Somehow I feel like a failure - and I know I shouldn’t - I know that 2 pounds a week is probably what my body has decided is a healthy weight loss for now because god knows I’m doing almost everything correctly. After I lost my 50 pounds my body decided to hell with it all and stopped losing weight all together and so I should be ever so glad that I have lost any weight let alone the additional 7 pounds since breaking that stall. Yes, that makes the total 57 and when I get to 60 there will be pictures. I promise.

Number Three - Spring Break. Spring Break was the worst spring break I have ever had in my entire life - and that includes the year in Grade 11 that I spent in the hospital getting my gynormous honeydew melon cyst removed (at least then I had a ton of visitors and I got to lay around all day completely morphined). I do not count family day, which was fun actually - but the events that followed involved me being very cranky and moody - wanting to be alone because of my moodiness, wanting to read but feeling pointless, wanting to relax but feeling stressed and tense - and being completely out of sorts and off schedule.  I do not do well in the winter time if I do not have a routine. The fact that Spring Break is NOW, and obviously NOT in the SPRING TIME is a sin. A damn sin!

Number Four I decided to delete after writing it all out.

SO yeah - that’s basically where I am at. I don’t feel crappy every day - in fact it’s more like I don’t feel anything at all…which isn’t much better. I was doing better before my spring break started and everything just went downhill from there. I am hoping with next week’s schedule going back to normal and classes distracting me from winter blueness that I will be right as rain. That will 99.9% be the case - the .1% being if I get hit by a bus.

I am sipping NeoCitrin currently because I feel a bit of a flu coming on and I am trying to mask it - I so desperately NEED to go to school tomorrow and get my mind out of this flunk. I already do feel better TODAY because Denise came to visit me and she is always a source of joy in my life. She’s my bleach.

Boba just walked by and he sneezed into my NeoCitrin. I am agitated and cross now. You see? How my mood can be hopeful of better days and then switch back into foul mode? Fowl mode.

No really - I’m okay. I will be okay. Winters come and go — and in Ontario they last for bloody 9 months, but afterward there is the spring cleaning.

Did I just try to make a metaphor? I am hanging my head in shame now.

Hi guys!

I am sorry that i haven’t written to you in awhile. Things have been uninteresting and busy. I am back into the full swing of school, skipping classes and all! haha. I have taken a few snow days, I won’t lie. I wish I could have taken a snow day a few days ago when it was INSANE but, alas, I had an essay to turn in.

Don’t get excited. I don’t have pictures, but I will say that as of Tuesday, I have lost 50 pounds on the nose! (….well not on my nose, but probably below my nose). Most of you already know about this little milestone that I have reached but I thought I would share it with the rest of the world. If you want it in pictures, than here you go:

Now, don’t try and print this blog post and cut out the 50 quid and blame it on me when you get caught!

50 pounds feels very strange. I don’t feel like a different person but I am finding things are a little EASIER. For example. I can cross my legs on the GO bus now, something that was very frustrating prior to the 50 pounds. I used to have to squeeze them in like tight sausage rolls. mmmm sausage rolls. And have my knees rub against the seat in front of me used to give me a rash because my knees are very sensitive creatures, but my knees don’t touch the seat in front of me anymore — yay!

Another thing. OH i forgot about this one before. You know how those awful lecture halls have those tight theatre style seats and then this little foldy “table” that you flip out from the armchair and you can put stuff on it? It used to not go over my legs flat….and used to sortof sit on top of my legs at an angle, while I watch it go over thin laps beside me and have like 7 inches to spare. It is for that reason that I hate said angle lap-table. That, and not being able to put ANYTHING OF USE on it. I mean COME ON PEOPLE we have textbooks,coffee, pens, cellphones, laptops for some (i never bring mine to class) and all those novels you expect us to read…and they are all supposed to fit on this 8 inch by 7 inch table thing. Anyway…it goes across my lap now when my legs are uncrossed (not when they are crossed) but I never use the table and purely put it over to see if it would fit. I am totally against using this tables and you should be too!

for those of you who DON’T know what i am talking about, it’s these things:

What else. Oh I am having a really hard time eating today. Eating is never the same day to day. For the past two days I have been eating an egg in the morning with a half a peice of toast *and not being able to finish it of course*. This morning = UGHLLP (that’s the sound of me throwing up). I can eat ham, stewing beef and all those good things now. It turns out that I wasn’t CHEWING it enough. Meat like that has to be literally the consistancy of milk before i swallow it. It gets tiring. I still cannot eat snow peas, or anything stringy.

I can’t think of anything else to say. Donny and I have picked a wedding date and are looking into a few venues with the date available. It’s August 14th, 2010. We decided to have it later so that we would have time to plan and have time for me to lose the weight I want, and then have that free tummy tuck. Also, we wanted it during the summer and not when I am in school and next summer is just..too soon. Anything not in the summer and my brother in BC would have to take off work and my dad is also teaching too so that’s no good. So there ya have it. That’s our date <3 <3

I hope you are doing well!!

Love, Janie

Here I am at One month and 1 week post op and 42 pounds down.

I seem to be losing my boobies.

I don’t actually see any difference in my face but James decided to run into the picture really quick so I had to post it.

For 40 pounds: I cut my hair

For 74 pounds: Get contacts, new outfit, facial

For goal: Tattoo!!!!!!!!!

Since I have reached my first goal of 40 pounds (42 this morning) I got my hair cut this afternoon. It turned into a huge event (6 hours) as she did the cut and afterwards I was IN SHOCK because my hair is BLONDE now. For years I have been dying it black and for the last year and a half I have refused to dye it so that I could grow out my natural colour. She managed to chop out all the remaining black that I had in my hair! After i saw it, I kinda thought that it looked boring and told her she had permission to do what ever she wanted (she was bored - and clientless for the day) So she put a lighter highlight on top of my head and the accented with chunks of purple and dark brown. It’s hard to see from the pictures, but I think it turned out alright. It’s neat to have blonde hair again

Here is what it looked like BEFORE; (aka this morning)

AND…after!

I also like to put my hair up most of the time, so that’s how I am wearing it now:

BRRRRrrrrr it was FREEZING today by the way. I HATE the cold and waited for the bus for 30 minutes (missed it by a hair). The best part of waiting for that bus though was that the bus stopped and picked up Donny who was on the way home from work!!! I’ve never been so happy to see someone come on the bus! <3

of course he was all like…..”well if you are HERE, then who is at home making me dinner?!?!” haha jerk!

Nothing else really new - tomorrow night I am having some friends over for a potluck dinner to catch up our lives a little and that will make me feel really good. I have been shut up in my head for a little too long - but today’s little makeover was really refreshing…

Today I woke up expecting to be 40 pounds down - but I am ACTUALLY 41 pounds down. I have compiled a few pictures that I found on the interweb that have things in them that are 40 pounds. Enjoy!

This cat.

This Fish

These Yams

This Turkey

This Robot

I am sorry that I haven’t written to you in awhile but there is nothing really of importance to discuss. The clinic in Michigan called to cancel my appointment on Tuesday because there was a death in Dr. Hendrick’s family. They are asking me to call them and re-schedule but I can’t just come down whenever they want me to. I need to demand that I come in on a Thursday - that way I don’t miss any school.

We still do not have a car, which makes things a little difficult. We have set aside the money, that’s not a problem, it’s that Donny is gone from 8:00 to 8:00pm, 5 days a week and I don’t know the first thing about looking for vans. *shrug* I mean, the upside to this is that we are not paying insurane or gas, and that the money is saved when we need to buy a car. Donny and I are still getting to school and work just fine.

So I am learning every day things about my stomach.

It does not like re-heated ground beef. It loves mashed potatoes TOO much. I cannot handle calcium supplements with food. It spews forth DELICIOUS snow peas.

I am so bored with my gastric bypass thoughts. I mean, it’s been all I’ve been thinking about for the last 7 months. Now that it’s over and done with I want to get on to something else. I mean, it’s not like I am going to stop watching what I eat or being conscience of my changes - but I need to shake things up a little. I just need to figure out how.

On the right side of my ankle, there is a peice that broke off of the lower bone and has now attatched itself to the upper bone. There are 3 torn ligaments and the ankle is still fractured as you can see - or if you can see. Back goes on the air cast for 2 weeks and ice and elevation for the sprain.

Le sigh.

Holy crap am I ever down in the dumps lately. It’s an awful feeling for me - especially because it reminds me so much of a certain period in my life where I was extremely depressed. When I first started to have my major panic attacks I thought it was because of all the changes that were going on around me - which I still believe - but I was also losing a considerable amount of weight in a VERY short time period (100 pounds in like 4 months) on a diet that consisted of hotdogs in a bowl of tomato sauce with olives and cheese on it. (my awesome version of the atkins diet!) I didn’t take any vitamins, I lost a lot of hair (which was awesome actually) and I was down in the dumps…..constantly.

Now I am not feeling like that - it’s just interesting that I never really attributed the way that I was feeling back then (and the people that I put through HELL because of it) to the fact that I was losing weight so rapidly and not getting enough nutrition. Currently I take my vitamins, and an anti-depressant - but we’ve been out of milk for the past 2 days so I have not had my protein shakes. Over Christmas I was too distracted by my friends and family to really notice my dumpiness, but now that I am back to the grindstone of school and life I feel blue and out of sorts. I need to bring this up to my nutritionist when I see her on Tuesday (goin’ down to Michigan) because either I am not taking enough vitamins or I need to start supplementing some B12 or something. I am SO tired no matter how much I sleep. Perhaps it’s the rapid weight loss. Perhaps it’s the nutrition. Perhaps I’m not eating enough calories. Everything else in my life is OKAY - I mean, apart from money, no car, stupid ankle etc - I am happy in life - life is good - my relationship rocks….but I am blue. It must be a result of something that I am not ingesting - I am 100% sure of this. I need to figure this out because I anticipate it getting worse.

I am also struggling with BODY IMAGE…if you can believe it. Today I stepped on the scale and starting crying because I have lost another 2 pounds - and you’d think these were HAPPY tears, but they weren’t. The truth is folks, I don’t see a gosh darn difference in my body. I look at myself and see the same flabby mass that I was before the surgery. I cried because I want to believe it so badly! I WANT to see the difference. Sometimes I think that I have seen the difference and then I realize that my eyes are just playing tricks on me or something. To date I have lost 37 pounds, making me 285 - down from 322 in just a little over a month. Honestly, I can’t see it. I just can’t. I think the camera angles are different in the comparison photos and therefore the comparison is null and void. I know I need new jeans but I still don’t see the difference. Maybe my jeans have just stretched…

Tomorrow my father in law is taking me to the doctor to get my foot x-rayed again. I am convinced I have also botched that as I did not wear my cast full time and took it off when I didn’t feel anymore pain in my ankle. Now the pain has returned from the walking I have been doing at school. Tsk tsk.

When I go to Michigan on Tuesday I am going to ask the nurse to measure me so that we can compare to the measurements she took before my surgery. If I can still not feel uplifted I will come back and force my head to be lifted high and hope that maybe it’s because I stare at myself all the time that i just can’t see the difference.

I’m terrified that this lack of energy and blueness is somehow permanent - that by losing almost 40 pounds I have somehow disturbed the universe and it’s teaching me some sort of cosmic lesson by draining my energy and using it for alien experiments.

I’m tired now.

ps. last night I had a dream that I had twin boys named unicorn and gypsy and gypsy had a tail.

I feel really discouraged today - in general. I have been having some problems lately. Unusually stressed. I have had the compulsion to eat all day, but I haven’t. I’ve stuck to my guns and haven’t eaten anything bad. I have been drinking some LapSang souchong and just trying to remain Janie.

I am at the point in my life where I feel kinda stuck. I don’t know what I want to do after school. The plan was that I was going to go to teacher’s college - but now I have decided against that and am going to try something new. Things are so uncertain. I just can’t bear the thought of going into another year of school right after I graduate from University. I wanted to be a writer. I want to be a writer. I want to try to get a job writing somewhere - but OH JOY I went for the Wrong Fricking Degree for that. I should have gone into some sort of journalism. I should have went into ANYTHING but a stupid Bachelor of Arts. What the HELL does that give you? Nothing. And now I am 1.5 years from graduating and I feel discouraged and sad about my choice.

If I could just work at some sort of publishing company - work my way up from the bottom. Donny’s doing it. He’s working at the bottom of the barrell in a post production company. I am so proud of him. I just don’t feel good about being a teacher anymore.

I need to pep myself up a bit. Maybe it’s this book I am studying right now “Wild Sargasso Sea”.

I have lost 35 pounds since December 4th.

Donny will be home in a few minutes to a hot meal and a clean house.

I have taken my bath and I can fit in it better.

Socks will make my feet more comfortable.

Sadness is temporary.

A degree, no matter what it is, is better than no degree.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?   Cut my stomach in two!

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Uhm, I can’t really remember my NYRs - probably to lose weight, so yes I did and yes I made ONE resolution this year (see below post)

3. Did any friends of yours give birth? Yes - let’s see now. Cheryl had Violet, Heather had Caleb, Anna had Chase, Stacy had Eden, Rochelle had Nathan and I think that’s all….correct me if I am wrong

4. Did anyone close to you die? No, thank goodness. Nobody close to me has EVER died, yet.

5. What countries did you visit? U.S. of A.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? a routine that includes my novel, a playstation 1 memory card, a wii fit, a few books that I’d love to read…

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? December 4th (surgery), November 20th (engaged!), December 23-29 (wonderful Christmas), August 19-31 (Trip to BC)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?  Getting someone to ask me to marry him! haha!
9. What was your biggest failure? Gaining 22 pounds before surgery by eating bread alone for 2 months!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Broken Ankle, Food induced puking…

11. What was the best thing you bought? Hmmm probably tuition for this year at Mac.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Donny’s! Grant and Denise for being the bestest. My parents for too many things to list, Joe for triumphing over nose surgery, everyone who helped out with my surgery, Joan for providing us with so many things while we are poor students, and Gary for taking care of the cats when needed!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Yours! For asking this question!

14. Where did most of your money go?  School, textbooks, Vitamins, Michigan, Yarn

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Getting Engaged, BC, The Surgery, Christmas, Mark and Les coming, Waking up to Donny every morning…

16. What song will always remind you of 2008? Believe it or not “benny and the jets” because I heard it so many gosh darn times AND it was the song we were listening to when we got into the car accident. Benny and the CRASHHH.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Happier!

ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner.

iii. richer or poorer? Poorer, definitly. Each year adds more student loan debt!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Art, writing, playing music, listening to music, cleaning…

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Doing essays last minute, going to York University, being in transit.

20. How did you spend Christmas? Surrounded by my family, laughing, loving and making fun of each other.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008? I was IN love with Donny throughout the year just as I still am.

23. How many one-night stands? None.

24. What was your favorite TV program? Dexter and Heroes

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? YES - I met and hated a boss that I had in July when I temped.

26. What was the best book you read this year? Oooh hard one. To Kill a Mockingbird maybe? The Graveyard book by Neil Gaiman was delightful! I read all 4 of the George RR Martin books from the Game of Thrones series, and those were entertaining….

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Radiohead’s new album was a highlight!

28. What did you want and get? A ps3, magic bullet, Little Big Planet, an engagement ring, the surgery, Grant and Denise moving to Ontario.

29. What did you want and not get? Wii Fit, new clothes, shoes, lots of books…

30. What was your favorite film of this year? This year kinda sucked!! The Dark Knight, Wall-e….I liked that one about the train to India - the Darjeeling Express?

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 25. We went over to Mom and Dad’s for dinner and then they all went Christmas Carolling! Then they came back and we had cake and I got some pressies and just chatted with people.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? My year was very satisfying.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Uhm whatever fat clothes I could fit into?? haha

34. What kept you sane? Donny, Baths, Reading, Good Grades

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Obama!

36. What political issue stirred you the most? Canadian Films going down the pooper

37. Who did you miss? Oh lots of BC people!

38. Who was the best new person you met? This year I am not sure if I met anyone new. Perhaps the ONLY person I met who is new, so he would have to be the greatest, would be Josh Lamont. Oh well if you count newborn babies, Violet and Caleb and Chase Oh and I met Rob, Steph and Mike and they are fun too.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008: Don’t crash your car immediately after being released from the hospital following a gastric bypass

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: Benny and the CRASSHHhHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh

…FREAKING HAPPY!

Hello hallo,

I am terribly sorry for the down-ness of my last post. Christmas can sometimes be hard for me away from friends in BC- but overall folks, this Christmas was RAD.

So I am now going to talk about New Years. Every new year I have the same resolution - which I hate - or at least I pretend to hate because of the lameness of choosing a year to “live your life” and not just living your life the way you want it any old day - but whatever, for the sake of the New Year I play the game of resolutions in my head - or have in the past that is, because every New Years I have said “THIS YEAR I AM GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT!” and it is kindof freeing to know that I actually will and so the resolution to myself is silly. So my only resolution, or wish, is that I spend more time writing my novel, or try to incorporate it into my schedule so that it is not so mentally draining. God knows I can spend 9-12 hours writing solid, even taking my laptop to the bathroom. This isn’t healthy for me, however, as it makes me extremely tired and absorbed with “that world”. So my wish this year is to incorporate!

I am still on my stall sortof. I haven’t lost any weight since the 32 pounds. It’s okay though! I am totally not worried. It happens to almost everyone that I know of who has had this surgery. 32 is an enormous number to lose in the first month.

We stayed with friends in Crystal Beach this week for three days! It was so awesome. They have such a relaxing house and I got to really just de-stress before school starts up next Monday. Also, Denise (who is going to be my lovely bridesmaid!) was able to put my mind at ease about issues that I am dealing with. She is so wise and beautiful. I wish all of you knew her.

This semester I tack on two additional courses (so 6) and with having to eat 6 times a day, making sure I am getting enough protein, vitamins and brain food - I am getting a little nervous. Right now I am basically lounging, and trying to stay of my foot. Come Monday we have NO vehicle, a brand new semester, Donny starts working full time in Toronto, I am going to be having to walk a lot on my foot which isn’t QUITE healed yet, and we are waiting - so waiting - on our student loans to come in so we can get some much needed things, like…a car.

For your viewing pleasure, here is a cartoon I drew of donny and I

I composed this message in my head while driving, and consequently highbeamed several hundred cars, on the way home from my parent’s house in Milton. I had a wonderful Christmas with my family. My brother and sister-in-law came over from BC and being with my family, having our conversations, lifted my spirits immensely. Many of you know that I am from BC and that I miss home terribly, especially during Christmas holidays when I know my friends are all having lovely times and my heart aches sometimes that I can’t share it with them. My family feels the same way - so when we all get together it’s the most amazing family time ever, all of us re-living past memories in our favourite province, mourning the loss of not being there, but celebrating that we are all together. Nothing would make me happier if we could all move there together, and I could take my Donny with me, and we could have successful, beautiful lives - in a place where I feel 100% free and myself. Not that Donny and I don’t have a beautiful life. We do. And we have wonderful friends here…but this province isn’t my home - no matter how hard I try to pound my roundness into the squares. Some people just don’t GET me because of my BC mentality, and in turn I don’t get them. Perhaps I am romanticizing BC too much - but I don’t care. I just wanna live in BC with Donny and smell that air again and be with some people that I miss so dearly - and their little families that they are starting. I want to build a house out of free forming cement in any shape we want - and have stained glass windows and a big old whirlpool bath. And I can make potato corn chowder soup and we’ll sit up on the roof and watch meteor showers and take walks in the middle of the night.

I am sorry for ranting. For my ontario friends, I love you and if I moved to BC I would be complaining how much I miss YOU guys, haha! If I could somehow meld the two provinces. British Colon Tario. HAHA!

On to much happier things. Like I said I had a WONDERFUL christmas and tomorrow I get to see my greatest friends in their beautiful house in Crystal Beach. I will be much happier when that happens. Tomorrow morning I have a breakfast with my family and say goodbye to my brother and sister-in-law who get to go back to coveted province in question. And now that I have told you my complete inner workings, I can move on to the whole Gastric Bypass update thing that you probably logged on here to see. I apologize.

So, I can’t remember how much weight I had lost before, but I am definitly slowing down a bit, which is TOTALLY normal on week 3, as this is usually the week where the body goes “What in the hee haw HELL are you doing to me, woman!?” Also, Christmas was full of many temptations and bloody squares from heaven! My mom makes the most insane spread of christmas squares and baking things ever. I must admit I had 2 over a span of 3 days. Nothing happened, and i didn’t get sick, which I have some opinions on but maybe I will share with you those on a later date.

Oh, I had a wonderful birthday. Mom made lasagna, which I was able to eat the innards, which was very exciting. I got wonderful bath giftbaskets! Three of them! People sure do know me!

I ate well I think, considering. A few days I missed my protein shakes, but made sure to eat ALL protein during the day. My dad made an incredible eggs wellington (no, not out of my sister’s dog whose name is wellington) which was absolutely to DIE FOR. I have to say that I did not feel deprived at all. For my brother’s birthday we went to a Thai restaurant and I had something that made me sick and I chucked, and I am not sure quite what it was, but I felt fine as soon as I auto-ejected.

I am blabbing on and on, aren’t I?

So, despite all the insanity that was the food surrounding Christmas, I lost 2 pounds, which puts me at a total of 31 pounds lost since December 3rd. I wasn’t expecting to lose ANY weight this week since it’s the 3rd week and that is supposed to be the worst for plateau’ing. But there you go.

You shall not probably get another photo progression picture post (say that 31 times fast) until I have lost another 10 or so pounds.

As you can tell, I have had a bit of a rough day so I am going to take a little bath and have a little think about my Christmas and reflect on my progress.

Love Janie

So, at the end of 2 weeks post-op (last friday) I got donny to take pictures of me so that I could compare them with the night before the night before surgery. (tis the night before, night before because of the postponed surgery - mm good memories). Anyway, on Friday I had lost…28 pounds, so the difference you are going to see is a 28 pound loss. I have been telling people that I haven’t really seen the difference, and it’s true, because it appears that it is coming off in porportion AND mostly off my backside. I think you may have to click on the pictures to make them larger - sorry about that. I want to show you not only the comparison between the pre-surgery night and on Friday - but also the comparison between the end of week 1 post op and the end of week 2 (friday) because it’s crazy even the difference between those! Anyway, crazy indeed.

COMPARISON FACE ONE: Before Surgery VS End of Week 2

COMPARISON FACE TWO: End of Week One VS End of Week Two

COMPARISON SIDE PROFILE ONE: Before surgery VS End of Week Two

COMPARISON SIDE PROFILE TWO: End of Week One VS End of Week Two

COMPARISON BACK: Before Surgery VS End of Week Two ( the week one shots didn’t turn out well)

COMPARISON FRONT: End of Week One VS End of Week Two (night before surgery shots didn’t work either)

SO there you have it. I think I can see a little bit of the difference in my face and side profile. Also, you may notice that my skin in my face from week 1 and 2 has vastly improved. I have a feeling this is because I am drinking so much water. Yay for neat side effects!

For those of you wondering about the bit of fishing line looking stuff that came out of my tummy the other day, I tucked it back in. Doing this was a mistake as the skin that grew over top of it grew very agitated with the tucked suture and was very miserable indeed. So I retrieved the tucked suture and cut it out. Everything is now perfectly wonderful. And if my mom made it this far I am guessing that she has puked.

Take care everyall. I hope that you are enjoying this insane snow we are getting right now. I was looking forward to the global warming that we all have heard so much about, but alas, we are not quite that ruined, yet.

I thought I would make a quick update since I am waiting for Donny who is taking his sweet time doing god knows what. Everything is great! I feel a lot better, except for the little nagging pain that is one of my incisions, which suture decided to pop out of my Rolly Poly and say hello. But seriously though, other than that I feel fabulous. I have been enjoying the new food I can have this week. It’s exciting to be able to have meat loaf and broccoli and eggs! Oh goodness, the eggs are divine.

As some of you may know, Tuesday marks my 25th birthday and existence in the body of this Janie avatar. This makes me reflect up