/bypass

I know it’s been forever, but I can’t leave my blog this way without posting at least the latest picture. Since my last post I’ve been married, been in a terrible car accident, gone through what I thought was the worst year of my life as my husband was unemployed, only to have that followed by what I know will be the worst worst worst year of my life, ultimately and completely. final. worst. lamest. pointless-est. More things with -est.

Anyway, it’s getting better now. What happened in the Ultimate Year of Hell for me will never be resolved to make my life go “back to normal” but I have to make room for the pain, because going back is not realistic, unless of course I was friends with Hermione and we used her time turner.

I don’t know where I am with my “weight loss journey” to be honest. I reached goal in the summer of 2011 and I mostly hover slightly above that. I know I could go lower and I know I could eat less, but the Ultimate Year of Hell made me realize more than anything that I am an emotional eater. Luckily,  I still cannot eat most of which is bad for me. I still hover slightly over 175 on good weeks, and I’ve seen low 180s, although those tend to go away fairly quickly, mostly because I panic and my heart alone beats the calories right off.

Right now I am working on walking and getting my blood work right. I am having huge issues with my iron absorption and the last straw now has me taking infusions at a hospital once a week for four weeks, starting on Friday. I am nervous, but mostly I just want my freaking iron/hemoglobin to stabilize! I am SO tired all the time.  I feel like I’m in a pit, and there are ropes dangling above me to pull me up, and my fingertips are barely touching the frayed little ends of them. It drains my energy to reach up, let alone jump.

So, I am going to walk, until I can do better than walk, what ever comes after walking — not running. I tried that and almost died last week. Maybe I’ll just walk longer. At this point I don’t want to get moving so much for losing weight — but to move because I don’t use my legs as much as I should. The other day I went to the ROM (Royal Ontario Museum) and it was pretty awesome as usual, but after three hours my feet felt like they had turned into anvils. Everyone else in my party was tired too, but they were all over 60! I’m 28! I shouldn’t be so sore! But maybe if you have low hemoglobin you shouldn’t be walking around the ROM for three hours anyway. Stupid hemoglobin! Restricting me from being cultured!

So, anyway, I am not sure if I am saying goodbye to this blog or not. But I thought this would be a better way to close it than my last post which was me losing only 126 pounds. I have now lost to my goal, which was 175. I went further actually, 172 in August 2011. Now I am anywhere between there and hovering above there slightly, which is fine, for now, until the dust settles and my rise in hemoglobin straps rockets to my back and I blast out of the pit, past the ropes and to the freaking moon.

And because one of my first goals ever was to be a “thinner bride”, here is a picture of me on my wedding day, marrying my best friend and my wonderful husband

courtesy of sakura photography (www.sakuraphotography.com)

courtesy of sakura photography (www.sakuraphotography.com)

Hello you-all. the war, the wyoual, you-all. (if you get that reference, than, yay!)

So first things first I would like to say this will be a very happy post! I am doing good! Running is getting easier, although I still almost passed out today, it is getting easier not to pass out — As in, I didn’t have to jump off the treadmill and die a death only fat people who try and run can truly understand. My breathing is still hard on my lungs but I think that will improve. It was already starting to improve today when I was doing increments. I am STILL doing increments, although they are increasing. I cannot straight run yet. Kinda taking forever, but whatever. What I am doing now though, because I don’t feel good doing the incremental running for an hour, is that I am jumping off at 45 minutes and then doing the bike for half an hour. My back starts to really hurt on the treadmill so it can get really frustrating because I’ll be in my groove and then have to get off cause I feel like crap and I know I’ll regret it if I don’t.

Anyway that is the exercise update…now for the juice! Since my last update, I have lost 4 pounds! It was actually a bit of a breakthrough. I have been 205-206 pounds for MONTHS and I really started to think that that was the weight that I was supposed to be maintaining at, which sortof depressed me. Anyway, I am not quite sure what it was that broke me down to 204, but thank the scale gods it happened because it has TOTALLY motivated me to do a little extra to get down even more.

I promised my readers that at every 20 pounds lost I would supply them with photos and the last time I posted progress pictures I was down 100. Now I am down 121, so I owe you guys some updates! I am now at 201 (as of this morning) and 2 pounds away from being in the 100s, which I haven’t been since elementary school. Shocking I know, but true. I am not quite sure what that will feel like, when I see a ONE in front of my numbers on the scale. I won’t cry because I probably won’t believe it! haha! it’s strange to think about because I still have my fat mentality. I have accepted the fact that I need to work on that because in my head I still look 250 or 275 because I was in between there for 10 years. I still have all this loose skin too which I have to accept as part of me. It’s something that I have to treat as a reminder that I am healthy now, and not a burden. That’s going to take awhile.

Anyway! The pics! Oh, my old tank top, the one that I am wearing in the before pictures is too loose now that it would have been unseemly to post pictures online of me in it, so I put on a tighter thing I have so that in the months/years to come as I still lose weight, we can see the difference of how baggy it gets. The shirt is actually an under armor shirt that my dad gave me when he went to Arizona. It’s cool. I wore it today while running but it’s a bit too tight to run in and kept rolling up over top my rippling running rolls. Alliteration for the win!

Anyway, so yeah i realize it’s a bit tight, you don’t have to tell me….it’s not too tight that it’s uncomfortable, though, which is nice!

Okay so it took me forever to photoshop these together because I was trying to make the photos even and donny switched the angle a little bit I think because I couldn’t get them totally even, so sorry about that

I don’t see any difference in the face at ALL but I will post it for consistency’s sake!

And here is where donny told me to look into the ceiling light and I look dumb.

and here’s one that I don’t look so dumb, haha

So that’s all I can think of to say, for now. My legs are starting to really burn, which is good…and there is curry on the stove, which is better! Come on, admit it. Curry is better than just about everything else in the world.

PS. In case you haven’t already heard, I am also officially a size 12! Which is half of my original size of 24! Wootwoot!

PPS. Also, you guys are rad and I love you.

PPPS. I just realized that it’s almost impossible to compare my before and after shots this time because the one I took before at 100 pounds lost, my shirt was already baggy. So, yeah. When I get to 140 pounds lost, which is SEVEN pounds away from my ULTIMATE goal weight, then we will see it with the pink leotard thing that I am wearing now. (well, not NOW, I am wearing yoga pants and hoodie now).

A-MOL-E

Three things….well four really cause the fourth is awesome.

ONE: I was a total vegetable this week. I only left the house to go to school on Monday, and groceries on Tuesday, or wednesday, I can’t remember now. The rest of the time I have been at home working on school work and catching up on the many many novels that I have neglected to read all year. I am pleased to announce that I knocked three down - five more to go. (that doesn’t include the 3 graphic novels that I decided to read also - shhh don’t judge me!) This vegetable bedrest that I have basically been on has meant that I haven’t had much motivation to actually get up and workout, so like the novels I have neglected to read all year, I also shoved aside my exercise, which I didn’t think would matter because it was only a week. Right? HOLY CRAP WRONG. Even a week without exercising has left me absolutely obliterated today after a session. This has taught me that taking an entire week off is not an option for me and that I have to try and get motivated to do at least mini workouts if I can’t do a full on session in order to keep my muscles working.

TWO: Today I hit a proud moment. Although I haven’t lost any weight since last time I updated (sigh), I have dramatically pushed myself harder.  Last week, I was doing 4 minutes of walking and 2 minutes of running, but walking at 4.5 and running at 6.5, which if you know anything about the tread mill is actually NOT that difficult because it’s a very slow pace. Today, I pushed that up, walking at 5.5 for 2 minutes, running at 9 for 1.5 minutes and back down to 5.5 for 2 minutes. At one point I was running and I thought it would be a challenge if I picked my knees up really high off the ground - almost like jumping, in fact I actually bashed my knee against the handle which hurt very much afterwards (not at the time cause i was in the zzzone). After the third increment I pushed the speed up to 9.5 and that extra .5 almost killed me, but the dude beside me told me “you can do it!” (which totally shocked the hell out of me) and I just kept running, and after I was done and had completed my 1.5 minutes he said “wow, you did really really good” and I said “i know!” He said later that I should be proud about my accomplishments because he watched me when I first started and couldn’t believe how far I have come so far. That made me feel really awesome.

For the first time I thought, wow, i really did something BY MYSELF. I mean, yes, I got this surgery and there is some amount of effort that goes into it, especially mental effort — but for the most part I have felt extremely blessed. But this. This is different because the surgery, where it helped me get down the weight is not “responsible” for my running accomplishments. I did that. I mean, ahh it’s hard to explain. I KNOW that I lost the weight too, but having the gastric bypass has always sortof nagged at me a little, like I didn’t do it by myself - that there is some sort of alien in me that helped me out. I think of my stomach as a separate entity than “me” because it is man made. Therefore, the weight, although I lost it, I feel as if I didn’t really DO IT on my own because my man made instrument was helping me. I am not necessarily saying this in a negative way, really. Don’t take it like that. I am more or less just saying that when I was running today, I pushed myself to overcome my own challenges and I succeeded and I didn’t need any tools or help — I just used what I was originally given.

You know, I didn’t even know I felt like this until just now writing it out. Writing always does that to me. I think I need to really reflect on what I have just said about my stomach being alien to me…because I can tell that that is something I need to explore and analyze.

ANYWAY sorry about blabbering on about that….where was I?

Oh yeah THREE: Chest pains! After my workout and during my 9.0-9.5 running I realized my chest was throbbing, er lungs or I donno. It was the only reason I could not go to 2 minutes. I mean, it feels fine now, obviously because otherwise I would be hospitalized, but I have to wonder, will that go away? What is it caused by? How hard should I push myself when my chest hurts? Should I just plod on or should I just slow down a bit? Is it a warning sign or a natural part of the process? These are questions that I am hoping someone like Shalagh or Amy can answer — someone who trains daily and knows what I should do?

FOUR: Here comes the awesome bit. I decided that because I was near death after my run that instead of doing Yoga downstairs like I usually do, that I would collapse in a heap in my bed. So, I just grabbed my stuff and bolted out the door. I was breathing so heavily, in that really good way, where you just feel so good to draw in fresh oxygen. When I got in the elevator (basement) someone was coming out and let out the BIGGEST FART which stayed IN THE ELEVATOR and I was absolutely dying because I was breathing so hard and yet it was just RUINED by the stench of old man fart. UGH. It sucked. I was like ALL MY HARD WORK and ALL i wanted to do was BREATHE. I managed to make it 14 floors up and realized I left my keys downstairs so I had to go back down but took the other elevator this time, which smelled like meat, but was substantially better than poop-gas.

So yeah, long blog post but again, thank you all for your support. It’s just so lovely to see your encouraging words. So thank you, Katie, Tobey, Amy and Denise <3

And just for my records here:  15 min Yoga to start - 40 minutes treadmill

Increments: W 5.5 - 2 min - R 9.0 - 1.5 min

one round of R 9.5 - 1.5 min with one round of W 6.0 - 2 minutes

didn’t cool down today - should have cooled down.

First of all I would like to thank those who have responded in comments both on this site and on facebook! Thank you: Matt, Robin, Karen, Anna, Ginny, Mandy, Tobey, Tyler, Auntie Sara, and Zander for all your wonderful feedback and loving support! I especially took the advice to heart (especially to my insanely beating heart right now) as I further my journey to runningdom. Yes, it’s a word now. Look it up in my new dictionary. Anyways, you guys are amazing!!

Second, my new shoes are KICK ASS. These are them!

http://www.newbalance.com/performance/running/products/MR1064/

They are absolutely the most insane cushioning I think I have ever felt. My feet have always either fallen asleep while walking/running or my ankle starts cracking half way through - but with these, I feel as if I could go on for hours, prevented by my heart pounding out of my chest and my thighs feeling like soggy ramen.

Third. I have a new problem that I have never mentioned here, but an old problem that I have had since I was a child. I haven’t found much research available on what happens, but I will try to explain and maybe, just maybe, someone out there will know what the hee-haw hell I am talking about. It seems like every time I break into a dripping sweat, not a light sweat, that my ears start to ACHE like a rucker fudder. Rucker fudder sounds like something that would ache. Anyway, it HURTS so bad! Mind you, this is NOT because I am outside and there is NO air coming into my ear from the outside because I almost always have my Shure Earphones in which prevent pretty much ANYTHING from getting in my ears other than the sweet sweet sound of Boards of Canada.  So yeah, it’s only when I sweat and this happened today on the elliptical machine and boy - oh boy - did I want to, like, rip the right side of my face clean off!

Fourth, I have lost 3 pounds since the running. I am not even going to say something like “not the greatest” or “too bad it’s so low” because UHM HELLO, I’m freaking awesome! So this brings my grand total to 117 pounds lost since December 4th, 2009 — and I am officially 205 pounds, FIVE pounds away from my next mini goal of 200, where you shall all receive another one of those great side by side pictures of me in my practically naked clothes.

Fifth, I gots me a wedding dress to die for. Tee hee! Obviously I cannot post a picture of it because Donnyhonny will see it and it will RUIN THE ENTIRE WEDDING. haha, no, actually I don’t believe it that, but I do believe in painfully making him wait despite his squirmings.

i think that is all for now.

Oh wait~ I forgot. I have to track here what I am actually up to on the running. Well today the treadmills were taken so I couldn’t treadthemill but I did do half an hour of pretty intense elliptical training and then 30 minutes of yoga afterwards to try to calm the freak down, which didn’t work because yoga and janie = mad imbalance. So yeah before that I was doing 45 minutes on the treadmill in increments of 4 minute walking, 2 minute running, on and on and on. So yeah, a teenie-weenie improvement from the starting point, but I hope to gradually increase everything!

So lets be honest here folks, because that’s what I  am mainly all about, and this blog can prove that many times over. Right now, I am wheezing, red, sweaty and pretty much on death’s porch swing having a complete physical breakdown, on the verge of throwing in the dripping towel — and only after 20 minutes of running, or what I am calling ‘running’ even though in reality it was more like sauntering.

I have not exercised since my last yoga class of november 2009. I decided to get really lazy and basically put myself on bedrest for no valid reason, while i porked, in small portions of course. Actually truth be told, I haven’t slipped as far as food goes, not really. I still cannot handle sugars, except the little I put in my coffee. BUT, the responsibility of MOVING AROUND has been slapped under the comfy chairs I have been parking my saggy skinned bum in. This, among other things, is what I have decided to change up.

I think it’s quite obvious that I have some sort of seasonal depression and I become quite subdued after Christmas, allowing my brain to shut off, my goals to disappear and my priorities to become lost under the bleakness felt from the lack of vitamin D. Usually, around this time, where I have moped and cried for too long, I make turn around decisions.

So the other day I received $1000 for academic achievement and I decided to spend $200 to get a brand, and spanking new pair of running shoes that are specially designed for my cushioning needs. My goal is to RUN, without pain, without dying afterwards, without chest pains etc etc — run for a long period of time.

There are a few obstacles however and pardon if I get graphic here:

1. Floppity Flop boobs

2. The infamous ankle break of 2008 seems to have screwed up my stride, as I have “nursed” the wound by turning my ankle slightly inward. The dude who did my shoes told me about this and warned me that straightening OUT my ankle might be painful at first and that I’d have to get used to that.  So yeah, after a little while, it starts to feel crappy and it makes me nervous.

3. Girl who worked out beside me today. Who in their right mind wears tapered black jeans, hiking boots, their extremely long hair down over their logger’s plaid long sleeved shirt while they are gazelling on an elliptical at 100 kilometers an hour, not breaking a sweat over their freakishly beautiful face. I kept having to, like, speed the treadmill up thinking that she, in her infinite lumberjack princess ways, was judging me and my bright orange shoes, with leggings and over-sized blue shirt that does nothing to hide the floppity flops mentioned in point number 1.

4. My LAN party hip keeps clicking and it sucks! This also makes me nervous.

I have to start somewhere though right?

I haven’t lost any weight since the last time that I posted. I think I might have gained 2 pounds. IT IS POSSIBLE if you let yourself go. I mean, yeah I am not eating anything, right? BUT your body gets complacent and all like, yo, i’m gunna screw with you, chickie, so there! Last time I weighed was yesterday and I was 208. So it’s time to get back in the game.

My goals are to learn how to run, so if anyone has any running advice, please don’t hesitate. I basically just wanna know everything there is to know.

I mean, should I just be walking right now? Should I even try to run without walking first?

Today marks one year since I changed my battle with weight forever. It almost doesn’t seem real. That’s all I can really say. Right now, one year later, I can’t really believe that I made that decision in the first place, that at one point in my life I was so desperate and sad about being fat. I mean, I remember those feelings…but only vaguely. It’s been so long it seems since I experienced a complete sense of hopelessness in regards to my body.

I am sitting here drinking some tea by the light of a sheer white cotton fragranced candle. First of all, how the hell do they know what the colour WHITE smells like? Honestly, people! Secondly, about the weight loss, it’s started to pick up again for completely unknown reasons. I thought I would be staying at 212-15 forever. I thought maybe that my body was done, but apparently it’s not because this week I am down to 207, which is an all time low for me. When I first did my hotdog diet in 2002-2003 I went from 288 down to 210 in a matter of maybe 5 months or something like that…and gained it all back and then some over the years because I ate one piece of bread (slight hyperbole). So to actually reach 207 is an amazing feat for me because I can honestly say I have not been this weight since elementary school.

When I went to the information session with Dr.Hendricks in Michigan he told us that GBS patients will lose 60-80% of their EXCESS body weight. He pegged the weight that I should be at 175. That means that in order to lose 100% of my excess body weight I would need to lose 147. I have lost 115 out of that 147 which equals roughly 78%. So my next goal will be to lose another 5 pounds to put me OVER the average of excess body weight lost, and from there I wish to make the under 200 pounds goal.

It’s a weird day filled with quiet reflection and a little bit of loneliness. I have been cooped up all day working and the only guy I really talked to was the UPS guy and I almost said “today is my birthday” so that he would say happy birthday — even though it’s not my real birthday, and it’s a different birthday of sorts.

No pictures until I hit 120 pounds folks! It’s always by the 20s! PLUS i don’t think there is any difference anyway!

Thank you to all my friends who have been cheering me on from day 1, and even day -120 from when I was contemplating this whole adventure. Your support has meant the world to me and I can’t tell you enough how much I love you and hope that this blog has been a good read.  <3

Because I cannot update you with progress pictures, here is a picture of me at Halloween:

I apologize for my absence on this blog. I have such a “normal” life as far as the gastric bypass goes. I mean, I lose weight, but as far as eating goes, I don’t feel like it’s such a big deal. I eat small meals and frequently. I recently went to BC for a visit and felt very comfortable with my eating habits. Sugar is still a no-no for me, of course, but going out with my friends and being invited over for dinner, I didn’t feel as if I was the odd one out. I ate as much as I wanted, and not the rest. It was very simple and relaxed. I can’t believe how wonderful it has been to had this surgery with little to no complications (knock on wood).

I will get to the 100 pound thing in a sec, but first I want to say that I am no longer allergic to alcohol. This is very strange for me, because since I can remember I have not been able to comfortably drink alcohol without having to stick my head under a cold faucet to quench my burning face. Red wine still makes me sick, but only in a gastric bypass too much sugar kind of way. I have issue with the alcohol thing, however, as I am not used to being able to drink it. I have no knowledge of limitations or what I can handle before being smashed. I have no experience with it which has led to at least one horribly embarrassing incident thus far. I have decided that for me, it’s not safe or worth the humiliation that ensues afterward. I just thought I would share this because I haven’t a clue why the weight loss would prompt my body to accept alcohol without reaction. Drinking prior to the surgery was absolutely horrifying and could many times bring me to tears as my face felt like it was being branded, (with the exception of pina coladas for some unknown reason). Where I am grateful that I can drink alcohol, I don’t think I will make it any sort of habit for the sake’s of all those who are with me.

Okay, now for the 100 pounds talk. This will be a long post, I apologize in advance. A few weeks ago I did hit that sweet number. I can’t remember the exact date, but one morning I woke up and there it was: 222.0 on the blinky blink. Since then I have lost an additional 2 pounds, bringing my total to 102 and my weight at 220. When I hit 210 I will be lighter than my highschool weight in grade 8 (I was 12).

I was thinking of ways that I could celebrate this occasion. At first I thought that I would take 10 balloons and place notes of things that I can do now that I couldn’t do when I was 100 pounds heavier and release the balloons over the city of burlington where I live. As this proved to cost too much money, I decided that I would throw each note in a fire. Luckily that weekend a family friend decided to have our family over for dinner and they had a fire in the back yard. I read each note aloud and threw them into the fire.
Here is the list of things that I have “given up”

• Not being able to sit in multiple positions, including: crossing my legs, sitting cross-legged comfortably and sitting with my knees under my chin. This includes as well, not being able to go cross-legged in the bath, or even on the toilet!
• Not finding myself attractive or beautiful, or being able to believe people when they say that I am.
  Sweating more than any mammal in the universe (notice I say universe, because aliens are most likely able to perspire).
• Not being able to pick out what I wanted to wear, but only what fit my enormous body, and sticking to mainly black to “hide”. Also, not being able to wear pretty dresses or anything that calls attention to myself.
• Being called fat, or getting terrible looks while I am eating as people assume that I am an unhealthy eater, and don’t take care of myself.
• Breaking chairs at my mom’s house during thanksgiving dinner!
• Hurting when I walk, or climb stairs. Losing my breath after 2 seconds of strenuous activity.
• Fearing/dreading being an ugly bride or not being able to properly take care of my future children, or not having safe pregnancies due to obesity.
• Immediately going into the handicapped washroom stalls to better fit my ample bottom.
• Being the fat friend, fat lover, fat sister, fat daughter, fat cousin, fat loner, “her face is beautiful it’s too bad she’s so fat” girl. I may be still chubby, but I give up the persona of being fat. It no longer is my culture, my identity, or the brunt of all my jokes. (although I will probably always joke about how I used to be fat)

So I crumbled up each of my 10 pieces of paper, signifying 10 pounds that I have lost and after I did that I felt such a overwhelming sense of accomplishment. With my family and friends surrounding me, and cheering me on, it was a very beautiful experience. My brother caught it on video but I don’t think you want to see me missing the firepit at least 5 times out of 10 from 3 feet away.

With that, I will get on to the progress pictures. I am still dealing with my kanga pouch that holds no kind of little roo. You’ll have to excuse my hair. We (my hair and I) are going through a bit of a transition phase and I had no will to straighten it nice for the occasion of picture taking.















Cheers Everyone! xoxoxo

Thank you all for your support and love!

After a marathon of Gilmore Girls (which before last night I had never seen), making banana muffins, uploading a gazillion old movies to facebook and general loafing around — I managed to lose 2 pounds, which puts my total to…get ready for it:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/lwr/2455215266/

I am very excited about this. Generally there has been a great sense of happiness within me.  Last night I felt it sortof welling up - and excited feeling that I haven’t felt in a really long time. I think it’s actually a sense of excitement about having peace in certain areas of my life. I have a wonderful spouse, we just started our own business, I’ve been working hard on that, I’m losing weight, I picked my courses for next year which I am really excited about, I am getting married and I love, love, LOVE the man that I am getting married to.

I even love his beard.

Anyway, I mentioned that we started our own business and the website is up. We still need LOADS more pictures. We want to start taking people we know out for free portraits for the portfolio, so if anyone is interested leave me a message and we’ll set something up. The website is: www.alderstudios.ca

So we have been fairly busy around here in the Biggar/Cosby household. We started our own business, which has thrilled us both to the core. As a result though, my energy has been poured into that and not updating you guys on the status of my weight loss. So I am tres apologetic. I have also been making wedding plans and meeting with the caterer etc etc so things have been hairy.

I stepped on the scale this morning (read: afternoon) and I was pleased that I finally broke my horrendous stall. I have been hovering at 235 now for something like three weeks. I am now 234! Wewt! I know that one pound may not seem like a big thing, but as my mom always said when I was little, it’s two whole half pounds of butter! Well no, she didn’t say it like that because she is far more eloquent and a grammar deity - so it was more like she showed me what a pound looked like with sticks of butter. They used to be packaged in half pounds and she would pile them in their little copper wrappers on top of one another and let me hold them. I am surprised I didn’t eat them right there and then.

BBQ season is in full swing. I have now been to several and although I cannot eat very much, and I feel VERY much in control (which is freaking awesome) it doesn’t mean what I have to choose from is healthy for me. I have to work on that. Always eat the meat first and a hot dog does not equal meat.

Oh I forgot to say that I went to that wedding that I have been talking about and I got to wear a lovely dress for the first time in my life. I will post a picture of it because I know that I have talked quite frequently about it. The dress is a size 16! It is hard to believe that 7 months ago I was a size 24. Oh i guess it’s my 7 month mark today, on July 4th. Happy I-day to all you americans out there, btw.

Man, i just tried looking for some better pictures of my dress and these are the only ones I could find. I don’t really like them for the actual showing off of this dress and I don’t think that the pictures do it justice, but whatever, it’s what I have. If I get to wear the dress again I will take better pictures!

So yeah, things are going good. We have a new business (wedding photography) our first paid client, a new camera. Things are going really really well. When it’s more completed, I’ll give you a link to our business website. It’s really rough right now so I don’t want to!

Cheers!

I repeat my apology that is so sincerely stated in my subject line. My life has been the opposite of busy, but at the same time I have filled it up with writing plot scenarios and hashing out chapters.

I have been contemplating things over the past few weeks. I think that writers get judged harshly and that most people stick them into terrible stereotypes. I realize that stereotypes ring some tones of truth, but lemme tell you a little somethin’ somethin’. If someone paints, for hours a day, every day, they sweat, cry, pour their heart and their soul into their painting, is it wrong to call themselves a painter? Do they have to be PAID in order to have the societal “right” to call themselves a painter? I don’t think that they do. I was a freelance artist for awhile. I got paid to paint and to draw comics, but I would have considered myself an artist, a comic artist to be specific, before I was paid to do it. Why? Because I practiced all the time, mostly during church events - haha. I also drew and painted many comic pieces that I gave away to people as presents. I have also done this with my writing.

When someone asks me, “what do you do” I get all fangdangled because of my current situation of being in between everything. I am not a student because I am on summer holidays, I am not a employee of anything (yet) and I fill my hours writing in a squished orange chair (or wherever there is the least amount of noise). The last time someone asked me “what do you do?” I said “I write” and they scoffed - following up with “well have you had anything published?” to which I replied “no, but..” to which they interrupted, “well then, you aren’t a writer.” scoff scoff scoff. Other things were said, but at the time I was flustered and babbly because I cannot seem to grasp the concept of immediate retort and end up surrendering to hurt feelings. Now, I am not hurt in the slightest, as this was several weeks ago. I understand the reasoning behind the scoff. It is because of jokes like this:

I know what you are thinking because I think it too. I know that writing rarely turns into something you can actually live off of and that people like JK Rowling, or Mormon Sensation Stephanie Myers hit the ultimate jackpots. I know that most people who want to be writers, or who are writers, wouldn’t be able to really get their books published. I know it’s a crap situation out there. I know that e-books are replacing the comfort of the novel. I know this all - but what I know more than any of this is that I don’t give friggin’ ratcraps about anything other than that I have a story that is bursting out of me that I can’t resist from writing it down. Does this make me better than anyone else? Hell no. On the contrary, I am throwing rationality out of my cerebral window, which makes me a fool — or an artist. Who knows? Definitely not you, or me.

Yes, I’ll get a “real” job. Yes, I’ll finish my Honours Degree. Yes, I’ll marry Donny and be the best wife I can be, but I’ll silently curse you to hell if you come at me with an attitude that I am somehow failing to be a writer, because I’m not getting PAID for it.

And another thing! If anyone judges my writing on this blog, shame on you! This blog is hardly a creative effort. It’s a rambling bambling mess! It’s vomit on toast.

And for those of you who want to see the rest of Flight and the Conchords’ song “Hurt Feelings” here it is:

I should probably add that I am not hurt by the comments made about me writing and how pretentious I sound when I say that I am working on a novel…I just really wanted to embed that video. <3

Peace.

And of course, if you are up for it we can have a healthy debate of what it really means to be an artist.

For the last, what, 3 months? 4 months? I have been losing 1-2 pounds a week steadily. On an EXTREMELY LUCKY week I could lose 3 pounds but always sorta stalled a bit after those weeks. Now, I have lost 5 pounds in 5 days and it’s sorta freaking me out! I am not doing anything differently, I don’t think. I threw up last night hardcore style because I ate reheated meat which is a big hellno for us bypassers because the rubbery consistency that comes out of the microwave just sits like a brick in our pouches. I thought I could beat the system (system of what exactly, janie?) but alas, no, PUUUUKE, broken blood vessels in my face, it was THAT hardcore. After I looked in the mirror I thought I had just given birth. Congratulations it’s a slightly used rubbery hamburger!

Anyway, this makes my weight loss to date 83 pounds.

OH, I will say this because I just remembered. I have been very intolerant to sweetener lately and have replaced it with real sugar. This is a very new development of about 5 or 6 days since my time with Grant and Denise in Crystal Beach where they are adamantly against aspartame. Maybe the extra calories or something is giving me a bit of a boost!? I have no freaking idea. If sugar is making me lose weight than I think my head will explode from the years of sugar deprivation! haha. No. Sugar is still bad. But maybe in my case, having VERY LITTLE SUGAR EVER, it’s causing my body to not store all the fat. I have no idea. Don’t go out and eat more sugar because I said so. I have no idea if this is the reason…but it is what I have been doing differently. Weird.

But what if there is something like…wrong? What if…what if I am leaking blood somewhere? OR my blood is evaporating? 5 pounds of blood MISSING!!!!!!! What if.

Oh, did you guys know that I respond to your comments that you make on the website by writing comments underneath yours? Some of you ask questions and I answer them usually by writing a comment underneath the comments that you make. I know not whether you are notified of this comment exchange, so I thought I would tell you this, in case you think that I am ignoring you! I am not ignoring you! I LOVE YOU! Thank you all so much for the continued support that you have given me these past 8+ months. You have stuck with me through thick and now thinner and I appreciate your encouragement and laughter. xoxoxo

Hullo again. I realize that I wrote to you last night stating that I was too afraid to show you any progress pics because I am sortof self conscious about my hanging body fat. Swing batta batta! Anyway, this morning I stepped on the scale SIX TIMES because I was trapped in a realm of disbelief. The scale read…get ready for it. 241. TWO FOURTY FRICKING ONE. Somehow in my insane novel writing last night and the tea that kept me up til 4:30am, I lost two more pounds. What the h-bloody-ell? Whatever. I am taking it. My penance for being so lame and not showing you progress pictures, is of course, to show you progress pictures. So i got up, got dressed, put on some face (cause uhm, dudes it’s the morning) and posed away for the camera.

Two things that I am noticing about this batch. No wonder the chick at the plus size store thought I was pregnant. I DO LOOK PREGNANT! Sigh. But it’s like a 1st trimester pregnant and not a 3rd at least, AND…and and…it’s cause of that hanging inner tube that I have mentioned before - so I have bravely pulled it out in the last picture to show you exactly what I have to deal with. I realize that it’s incredibly embarrassing to show you one’s roll of fat in all its glory - but this blog is real and real dictates that I must pull out my fat to show you the truth of the matter. Losing weight rapidly as I have done over the past 6 months (yes it’s almost been that long, folks!) changes the way your skin holds your chunk. This is why they offer the tummy tuck in Canada for free if you’ve lost 100 pounds in a year, because we Canadians value these sort of things. Yes, cut back on Needle Exchange programs because of lack of funding, but pay for a bunch of tummy tucks because flat tummies are essential for the betterment of mankind.)**

**actually it’s cause the fatter people of this world can get nasty rashes under their loose skin, and that can lead to skin complications.

ANYway - I will get to the juices.

Peace out! <3

I am SO close to losing 80 pounds that I think that if I breathe out hard enough I shall in fact lose it.

I am having a hard time, folks, with these progression pictures. I feel all of a sudden really self conscious, like you guys won’t see the difference and I am almost ashamed or something.

My skin is hanging in weird places, but not so much that you can tell it’s really loose skin - but I can tell. It looks like deflated fat. The fat just hangs lower than it used to. It’s weird and it makes me sortof poopy. My sentences are short and choppy! CHOP! KAH! FRUG! Anyway, I am embarrassed and I need some encouragement.

I made some changes to the site to make it more user friendly. I categorized all my pre-op things with the category name “pre-op” (how creative of me) so that you can click on “pre-op” under the categories on the side menu and it will bring up only the posts that are pre-op. MOUTHFULL!

This weekend I enjoyed the company of very close friends in Crystal Beach. We laughed and talked and talked…and talked and Donny and I enjoyed some hot-tubbing. It’s my home away from home. Thank you Grant and Denise for a very needed weekend together.

Plans for the wedding are also going smoothly now that we have picked a date and I am comfortable with it being on a Sunday. For awhile I was sad because I always thought the perfect DAY to have a wedding would be on Saturday - but after realizing that having it on the Sunday will save us 2k, I became quite comfortable with the idea.

We are less stressed (aka a hell of a lot less stressed) since Donny got full time hours at his job. I didn’t get that job at the plus size store but I am still looking around and handing off resumes.

Do you guys know how fan-freakingtastic Donny is? Lemme tell you a bit about my Donny. He is thee most amazing person in the whole universe and I love him more as each day passes, if that’s at all possible. For the past four years plus, we have had an unbelievable time together and I have not heard of a couple that is happier than we are (of course, I am sortof bias). I have never been with anyone who I truly respect and cherish to the very core until now. For him, I have the most tremendous appreciation - for all that he does for me, for our relationship, and for being the creative, generous and loving man that he is. I just wanted to let you know this not because I haven’t said it before, and not because I’ve done something naughty and I am trying to apologize, but just because I love him and I will continue to love him in every way I can, including shamelessly shouting about it on this blog.

Now that I have melted your heart, I think I will go drink some 11:40pm tea and try to write a bit of my novel. Although, seeing as how this blog entry is terribly written I might want to not attempt to write my novel tonight as I will most likely be discouraged and gnash my teeth.

Should I get over my woes and just post progress pictures already? How can I do this? I am feeling like I have gained 20 pounds of loose skin.

You’d think, that working at a plus size store, you’d learn some discretion when it comes to guessing whether or not your customers are with child, or just with fat. As much I would like to be pregnant, over the option of being with fat, I am stuck with the larder.

When I was ten, I wasn’t that fat. I was chubby, and in the early 90’s this was probably just as bad as the morbidly obese two year olds that you see on Dr. Phil now-a-days. (don’t get me started on how sad that is). All of chubby ten year old me was in the bathroom at my old church, which was almost as shady as the lady who walked in while I was washing my hands. She asked, “how old are you?” and I replied “almost eleven” (because we all know that *ten* is a baby number) and she said, “well, Mary (as in the Hailed) was 14 when she was pregnant with Jesus” and I blinked at her because I didn’t really know what she was going the hell on about. Then she asked, “When are you due?” and I said “I’m TEN YEARS OLD and I am not pregnant.” Then she went into the stall to squeeze out her hail marys and I cried buckets of tears. FREAKING BUCKETS.

Today while shopping for a dress for a friend’s wedding in June, I felt pretty damn good about myself. I floated around the store in a purple get up, showing the employees my glorious new figure. Or so I thought. Upon trying to choose the right kind of pantyhose the retail associate said, “you might want to go for maternity” and I said, “hell yeah, more comfy, I hear ya!” trying to shake off the fact that she was being sorta lame. But no, her lameness went further. “Well,” said the impertinent retail associate, “you will be even bigger come June!” and I said “God, I hope not! That’s sortof the opposite of what I want to be.” I was still kinda not understanding what the hell she was talking about. I mean, COME ON! So she answered my confusion by saying, WHILST TOUCHING THE BIGGEST PART OF MY STOMACH, “Oh my, I thought you were pregnant.”

There are several things wrong with this situation.

A. It’s a plus size store, asslady. You don’t assume EVER. EVER-ER. never.

B. She touched my stomach AFTER she realized that I was not pregnant. What are you hoping to feel exactly? Fat doesn’t KICK, idiotface. Unless it’s my fat leg, kicking your ass.

C. AGAIN, like I was when I was ten years old, I DO NOT LOOK PREGNANT. I don’t get it. I mean, yeah when I was ten I cried buckets because I was hurt, but then several gazillion people assured me that crazy lady in the bathroom didn’t know what the hee haw hell she was talking about and that she must have been blind. Again, at 25 years old, having lost almost 80 pounds, I sortof look…almost normal. Yes, I have a lifesaver underneath my boobs, but how is that even close to what a pregnant person looks like in their blossoming state? DOES MY FAT GLOW FOR YA, BEOTCH? My stomach does not even come close to looking like a NORMAL pregnant belly.

It’s a dang shame that my body is WEIRD LOOKING right now. The only place that hasn’t shrunk is the much mentioned inner tube. I don’t  know why - I don’t really care to be honest, It’s no biggie (well it IS but i mean no problem) It’ll go when it’s ready.

In other news, I found a dress! And it’s beautiful! I look very non-fertilized in it, which is fortunate.

It is now that I am being truly tested, but I feel that I am managing well. I am unemployed and stressed to the max, avoiding (as much as I can) the fears that I have about the future and the uncertainty of my situations in life. I love my life, I really do. I love my Donny and I love my apartment and my new party body (a nick name that we have come up with to explain the weird sortof hip sway walk I do now). But I am stressed. SO FREAKING STRESSED and it’s taking its toll emotionally. Unemployment is GREAT and TERRIBLE. It’s great because I get to be with the person I love most in the world 24/7. We get to wake up, and have our morning (read: afternoon) coffees and apply for jobs and the cuddle and lounge around after we have applied for our jobs. I get to watch the strange things that my cats do inside grocery bags and with teddy bears. But it’s only a matter of time before I WILL BE EATING GUM OFF THE STREET. I have applied for over 70 jobs now and have received not one call back. It’s not only me. A number of people I know are struggling as well.

I don’t know what else to do but keep trying and make sure I don’t let my unemployment stress and anxiety turn into a full blown case of depression. So you can imagine that me keeping my head above the water right now in that area has taken away from my full focus on losing weight. I am still losing. The grand total being 77 pounds lost now, but I could be doing better. The truth is, is that I don’t want to try as hard as I can because if I do, and if I fail I don’t know if I could handle it. At least this way, I am succeeding, little by little, it’s enough to get by on. That sounds dumber written down than it did in my head, but it’s the honest to Zeus truth. So I am just kinda “going through the motions” or something as cliched and retarded as that. I am just waking up, taking my vitamins, checking my energy levels, working out if I can, and looking for jobs. I don’t know if I have the emotional strength to take the time that I have off while I am not working and spent it doing 2 hours in the gym every day. I could be, but I think I’d rather chop my legs off and eat them. (which brings up the grand dismay I have about my calves in their patriotic glory fluttering like flags for having the most loose skin of all the other calves in all the world).

Novel writing is going good. I have doubled the relaxation of the activity by creating a shelf that sits on the bath that I can use as a desk while I am taking a bath. If you have been reading this blog in its entirety, you know that baths are the best things in the whole frakking universe.The shelf is the bestest thing everer, but sometimes i forget about the world and realize too late that I am either freezing and blue or feverish and magenta.

Odd things about being 77 pounds lighter.

I can cross my legs under my desk, both in my office and the shelf that I made for the bath.

I wear a size 16 now and am in desperate need of pants!

I can run on the treadmill for a long period of time (although I shouldn’t because it hurts my ankle)

My knees hit each other while I am sleeping and it frakking hurts!!!! (gotta love that I am using the word Frak all of a sudden after being overloaded with Battlestar Galactica Episodes!)

Philip Glass is the best ever to work out to. (this isn’t related to 77 pounds down, but I think that you should know.)

Sometimes I feel like I wanna run around the apartment and dance and jump like a silly bean - other times I feel like I can’t get out of bed because I am a pile of mush. (like today for example)

I DO NOT CRAVE BREAD. I never thought I would say this, but I really don’t. It’s strange and I think that I have somehow become host to a wheat intolerant alien.

I think that’s it. Sorry for the randomness. I seem to be not so into writing in the blog because of the novel writing. Truth is, when I am in that world, it’s hard to come out of it.

Tomorrow night I am going to see Star Trek, and I am going to sit in the theatre with AMPLE room in between the arm rest and my bum. It’s always bothered me how tight of a fit it was before when I was over 300. It was so embarrassing, even though in the darkness of the theatre nobody notices, unless you are me, and are looking around to see if anyone else is suffering. Tomorrow night I will sit down, with my ample room and I will enjoy a film without being embarrassed. Take THAT!

So the good news is — I’m FREAKING DONE school for the year. I realize that I will have to go back to school in 4 months but holy crappy-oli, it feels good to be able to have a change. The best part, and I really do mean best, is that I can READ for fun again and write my novel. For purposes of researching my own genre I picked up some of the latest fantasy books that I have not read. I have to say that I am almost very much sick of fantasy books lately. They seem to be all the same.  Old man — prophecy — a magic sword — names filled with meaningless apostrophes. I realize that my novel will be a fantasy but I am hoping to break the uniform and wear those teflon pants.

I have had three friends from BC up this past week and spent a little time with each of them which was very refreshing. I went to Toronto with two of them and yesterday I walked around for hours on Queens St. going into little shops and poking things. As a result I am sore - incredibly so - but I lost 2 pounds. This has reiterated the fact to me that exercise is the solution to my plateaus. I guess after losing 24% of my original body weight it’s much harder for me to lose without actually working HARD.

With that said, I have just popped a werther’s original in my mouth and will work out tomorrow after handing out resumés.

For now I will curl up with my new books and my febreeze candle and enjoy a few hours of escape from things that have been getting me rather down lately. I can’t tell you what they are exactly, because that would strip the confidentiality of others off of some people’s backs - and although I may be loud, and awkward, I am no back stripper.

Well I finally hit my half way point of 73 pounds lost!! (that’s half way to 175 from 322 by the way). So my new weight is 249! I took pictures but none of them turned out because they aren’t at the right angle and can’t be properly set up with the other photos in photoshop without me looking like I am three feet tall. Not that I have anything against being three feet tall - it’s just that I am not…and I wouldn’t want people to assume that having a gastric bypass creates some sort of crazy shrinking of height. SOooo I’ll have to re-take the pictures (aka get donny to take them) and the right angle.

I don’t think I have anything else I have to say. My stress is diminishing with every exam that I finish up. I am done 2 and have 3 more to go next week.

Oh I will say this actually… Losing weight really really really makes the whole dropping off resumes and talking to managers to try and apply for jobs a heck of a lot easier. I mean, we all know that I am not skinny minny, but they just look at me differently - without as much judgment in their twinkling eyes. I need a job, desperately so I must say that losing this 73 pounds will most likely help the whole application process a fair amount. It’s sad really. When I was heavier people would automatically assume I was lazy! Hell, I know I am lazy - but that’s not the first impression that I want to give people because of my weight Actually, I shouldn’t say that - I am a lot less lazy than I was.

Anyway - hoorah for hitting half way in 4.5 months! I know that I said I was going to reward myself with something when I hit 73, but I really can’t afford to do so - which is okay. It is reward enough to know that what I have accomplished thus far is changing my life for the better slowly but surely. And yes, I could use  a new pair of pants - but why waste the money when they will be baggy in a month Oh, and Value Village had NOTHING to offer me. All the sizes were either 14s or 26s. I was very discouraged. Luckily the weather has been sortof nice and I have one pair of shorts that isn’t too big for me and I salvaged some old belts that were holding some area rugs together.

Next time I post I promise that I will have some photos!

Exercise I mean. I’ve been unusually stressed lately. It seems like everything in my life is completely out of my control - and I attributed this to my weight loss, but I realize now that it wasn’t fair to do so. Yes, money, car, job, future, friendships - out of my control. ONE thing that isn’t out of my control is my weight loss. I can be in control of that. I have to own that.

Someone said today that the doctors did a surgery on my stomach, and not my brain. There are a lot of emotional things that I am dealing with as a result of not being able to turn to food for comfort. I used to drown my bread in butter, peanut butter and honey - huge thick slices if I could get my hands on them - and then glug it down with a big glass of milk. There was something about that peanut butter and honey milk mixture that sent me into some sort of euphoria. I sometimes ate this every night - usually alone and in the dark. It was my tradition. In retrospect I now realise that I have had this tradition since I was a child. Many of you might know, if you know my family, that my mom made the best gosh darn bread in the universe when we were growing up. I ate this bread for breakfast, lunch, snack and with my dinner - and sometimes for dessert. I am NOT kidding you. I don’t know when I started to eat in the dark. I just remember doing it. We had terribly shaky windows in our old house on PV Road (ahh nostalgia kicking in) and every time you walked on the floor, the windows would rattle and bang as if you were a two tonne elephant (I was fat, but not that fat!).

Getting downstairs to sneak food was hard. Not only did the windows shake but the stairs creaked (which is partly why I rejoiced when my brother installed carpeting on the stairs one year). I would try to tip toe, but if you know me even the SLIGHTEST…I don’t know how to whisper, tip toe, or hush any part of my body…ever. I also have a brother who has the ears of a Ferengi. He could literally hear me breathe from 3 floors up. Since his lair was underneath the creaky stairs and the humming fridge (I told you, he can hear frequencies that dogs can’t hear) this would make my epic stealth mission that much harder. Which is why, when i finally got downstairs, opened cupboards, cut bread, slapped butter, peanut butter and honey on said bread, (I might add that getting a knife out of a cutlery slot thing is not the quietest thing in the world), it was deliciously exciting to then sit in the dark, alone, and eat….eatttttttttttt that frighteningly good bread. Eat it alone where not one person could pass judgement - not even me, because I was THAT stealthy and clever as to not get caught doing it so I must have deserved the bread…the luscious bread.

Anyway, back to what i was saying - It is difficult to NOT eat - not because of any sort of willpower, because we all know that such a thing does not truly exist as a dynamic force in one’s life - it is difficult to not be ABLE to eat. To not have that comfort. AND to watch one’s spouse, we will call him FONNY as to not mention his true identity, eat anything he desires. In fact, he is pouring cheerios into a mixing bowl as we speak.

- a - mixing - bowl - sighhhhhhhh (to be fair, all the cereal bowls are dirty! I’m a terrible wife!)

So yes - the gastric bypass is over - and now I must adjust completely or I will not be able to mentally survive. I have not lost ANY weight since my 69 pound loss. I am in a desert. I can mope about this or I can take this time to reflect on what is TRULY going on in my mind. Weight loss is great - but it’s not everything and I have learned this week that it CANNOT be everything because if the numbers become the reason - I lose faith in myself if then numbers don’t change. That’s what has happened unfortunately and I am digging myself out of the pile of crap that fell on top of me. WHY should the numbers make me feel like such a failure. The answer is they shouldn’t. I can’t let them. I need to accept my numbers for what they are - make adjustments yes, add more exercise yes, but don’t lose hope. Every morning I have woken up and placed my stubbly little toes on that cold black machine and it has blinked its evil red eyes at me: 253 - 253 - 253 (because I always weigh myself compulsively 3 times to check to see if it’s REALLY true). Tomorrow I will get up and it will probably say 253, but I am not going to make this an issue tomorrow. I am going to maybe kick the scale across the bathroom floor - but that’s it.

As I have already mentioned I am under a considerable amount of stress unrelated to my weight loss right now. I burned this stress into the floor of the gym today. 35 minutes on the bike, 20 minutes on the treadmill, and 2 rotations of weights. If I get 253 tomorrow morning it’s okay - because at 322, I was unable to RUN on a treadmill, or sit on the bike for more than 20 minutes without my bum becoming numb.

This is my journey. Whatever happens - happens..and I have to respect that I’ve come this far.

I know better than to talk about my novel right before bed, but susan had to ask and of course my little heart exploded to joy to tell - and now of course I can’t sleep, or especially TRY to sleep when Donny is sleeping so very peacefully and has work tomorrow morning. Shoot. I just remembered he asked me to drive him, which means I have to get up to..which means that, sigh, I should be in bed - but this argument is circular, you see, because susan got me talking about the book and I can never sleep when I have opened up that part of my mind. I try to keep impenetrable forces surrounding it as to not let the infiltration of insane ideas penetrate my every day life - especially not my sleep. Whatever. What is done is done!

Weird things.

1. I went to a bar last night because some friends were playing in their band and Donny wanted to take pictures and chill. Since I have lost weight (69 pounds as of today) I guess I ….well, I donno, I guess I am more confident and guys are picking up on that?? It’s hard to say. I guess I was all glammed up too. Anyway, these 2 guys were hitting on me, one more than the other and I can’t really pinpoint how I felt about it. You have to understand that I am TOTALLY not used to this AT ALL. I never had training on how to ward off boys and I never EVER got attention from them when I was in highschool, or college even. I went through this period of time when I got skinnier for like 6 months by doing the hot dog diet (atkins), but I was single - oh so single - and I barhopped a little for some fun…but that was different. Now I am NOT single and NOT wanting stupid idiot drunk guys sitting on my lap and breathing in my face. So last night this happened and I felt like I should be friendly because after all I am a friendly person. But then I had a complex about whether or not this was giving them the wrong impression, and which point I yelled “THIS IS MY HUSBAND” and grabbed donny’s hand…which shocked the boys and they started applauding Donny. Then donny got all protective, thank GOD, and the boys left.

But, uhm, like…I don’t know what the “procedure” is for a girl to shoo away the boys in a friendly way. I mean, obviously it feels GOOD to be noticed by men…because it’s all part of having confidence, but doubly obviously is the fact that I would never ever want to make any man feel like he had any sort of chance, or something - I donno. It’s all just so new to me. I am just glad Donny was there.

If donny wasn’t there though, do you like say “GO AWAY IM MARRIED” or something like right off the bat?? I mean, I’m a friendly person, so that just sounds mean! But at the same time i want to be respectful and loyal to Donny in every way I possibly can. Donny doesn’t care that I talk to other guys, obviously, and he didn’t “protect” me until I reached for him to do so…but…how do I “protect” myself? There has to be like some sort of way…I am sure of it.

I sound like I am being conceited, and I am not…really truly I know that I am still way fat and stuff, but lately I have been exuding this confidence that everyone picks up on, including men in bars. And it’s not like these are hot guys, ew, these are drunk idiots….bar idiots…so it’s not like I am picking up men or saying I’m hot look at me. I am saying I need to like ward off idiots but I’d like to try and do so in a nice way. When i was fatter I did not have this problem AT ALL. I barely kept eye contact with any guys…but now I like to look around, smile and have a good time.

I ended up having to leave the bar. I am not bar person at all anyway, in fact I hate the bar - I’d much rather read a book, but like I said we were there to see some friends play some music.

2. Does anyone have some clothes that are too big for them, around like size 16-20 pants and XL shirts? I am running out of clothes!!!!! my pants are much to big for me lately and my belts aren’t doing the best job at keeping them up. I just can’t bear to BUY jeans that I am only going to be able to wear for like a month. I could try value village, but not having a vehicle makes that difficult…so I just thought I would ask some of you guys first. Maybe someone should just come pick me up to take me to value village That is FAR more likely to happen then someone giving me clothes !!! :)

I guess I am getting tired after all. GOOD now that I have remembered that I have to drop donny off at work at 8. Murrrr. I will be so grumpy tomorrow morning, which is a shame because my mommay and sister are picking me up to go to lunch. Maybe I can cajoodle my mom into taking me to Value Village…hmmmmmmmmm.

For fun. Here is a picture of a baby elephant. <3

I have decided that lately - as in from the beginning of my weight loss - I have been worried whether or not I have been losing weight FAST enough, good enough, or comparing it to other people who have had the surgery. This has got to stop and I am going to set some boundaries in my head. You know, a little over 3 months ago, I was 322 pounds. I can barely remember what that feels like now. I need to reflect a little, I think, on what it felt like to, say, go to a weight watchers meeting and fail. (notice i didn’t say “epic fail” - because i realize that most of you are not nerds). I have sat through 3 or 4 “welcome to weight watchers” meetings…and you know what? Weight Watcher’s is a good program, but it didn’t work for me. I had this conversation with my mom the other day. The program is far to easy for me to weasel my way around and eat ONLY carbohydrates if I “calculate my points right” - so yeah….I need to remember how hard it was for me to lose weight BEFORE this surgery. And it wasn’t just with Weight Watchers - I failed over, and over, and over again with a million diets and a million schemes. And you know what? This time I am not failing, but somehow I have this complex where I am STILL not satisfied. It’s a joke and I need to STOP.

There is something else that has been on my mind - something that I mentioned to my sister when she visited the other day (<3) that I can’t quite…I donno. I am…interested in knowing if anyone has had this situation.

First let me pre-ramble my ramble by saying I have been strutting myself around campus. Oh people…I know I have a ways to go. Hell, I’m not even half way to my Ultimate Goal (almost!!!!). So I do not consider myself thin; however, my mentality has changed. I have this new confidence about me. I think it’s my jean jacket that Donny pulled out of an old box. I haven’t worn it since I was like 200 pounds. (for some reason i am almost as skinny on top as i was at 200 pounds, even though I’m 257??? I don’t get it either) So yeah, I’ve been confident lately, and why not? I mean, my body is changing, life is good, spring is here, wee! Okay but that’s not the point of this story. The point is, I no longer feel outcast at school. I no longer even feel fat to tell you the truth. I mean, I KNOW i am - but i don’t feel like it. I feel normal. I feel awesome, but then something weird happened.

In the past - when i have been fat and FELT fat, aka 322 pounds, I have had “moments” with other fat strangers. It’s sortof like an eye contact connection. For example, in a lineup at the bank I would see a fat person, and they would see me - and if we were looking at each other at the exact same moment, there is this instant connection. I can feel the energy BOUNCING off of them into me. They are saying “hello, i’m fat too - i have been in so many of the same situations as you” or they are saying “hello, i’m fat and you are fat - so I know, in this split second that you are not judging me, so thank you for that”

I am a firm believer that many things can be said without words. I call these moments for fat people the “fat connections”. I have had a zillion million fat connections with people i have never met. That moment of eye contact where I feel an overwhelming sense of what they are feeling and thinking. If you cannot for the life of you understand what I am saying the only way I can sortof equate this is if you are white and you moved to a village in africa and there were NO white people at all - and then after a month of living there a white person happened to walk by, and you looked at each other. There would be that moment where you’d be like “hey we’re both white” (nothing against races here…im just saying…it’s a connection purely based on looks).
SO ANYWAY - ugh i can’t write tonight or something - This fat connection happened to me at school the other day waiting in line for a bus with a girl who was much bigger than me. Or i should say, the fat connection didn’t really happen because I didn’t want or let it happen. I could see that she was looking at me, waiting for my eye contact. in fact she KEPT looking at me and I kept looking away because I did not WANT it to happen. I didn’t want to have a fat connection with her. I don’t want to have them anymore because I don’t want to be fat anymore. But then i felt BAD because I wasn’t looking at her…and then I felt bad because I will kind of miss that feeling of “hey we have something in common” because thin people do not have thin connections - there is no such thing! Everyone is thin, gosh darn it! So…then we got on the bus…and I was behind her and I was about to sit beside her and she put her purse on the seat! So then I felt even worse! So i took the seat across from her and then i crossed my legs and wasn’t even TOUCHING the arm rests (woot) but then I felt bad for even FEELING GOOD about that because there was that girl across from me who I could tell was all like self conscious and exactly how I felt 65 pounds ago. Aghh it was so confusing.

If you are confused. I will make it better. Here is a summary:

1. She saw me as fat - because I still am and wanted to connect with me through eye contact (fat connection).
2. I didn’t want to because I am on an insane confidence kick.
3. She felt bad for me not looking at her.
4. I felt bad for her feeling bad.
5. She didn’t want me to sit with her because she felt self concious.
6. I sat down, crossed my legs and didn’t hit the arm rests which made me feel wicked.
7. Then i remembered her obvious pain - and felt bad.
8. Thus the confusion I feel about the entire situation.

ARGH. Did ANY of that make sense???? I know it totally makes sense to me. Whatever. I am not even going to try and re-explain the insanity that is my story.

This is a super long post but I have to keep writing because I haven’t even got to the whole point of WHY I got out of bed to write this and that is that I want to make a list of goals. I need to set my priorities straight a little, and especially because school is almost done. I have been stuck in sortof a rut throughout winter and thank GOD I am climbing out of it. It’s very encouraging to say the least. The fact that I am even MAKING goals right now is a very good sign that things are on an upturn. So here we go!

These aren’t really going to be in order because who cares.

1. Exercise more. My ankle is wrecked. I need to accept this and push past it. Legs don’t move themselves. Need some sort of…exercise routine
2. Assign Bill Paying dates - like Tuesday: Pay Retarded Cogeco Bill.
3. taxes
4. Stop eating chocolate on a regular basis. Seriously. No more. Ugh.
5. More protein shakes! I mean, the thinning hair is sortof nice, but I don’t want to be bald!
6. Sleep at more manageable hours (this will most likely occur if I have an exercise routine)
7. Art more. I worked on some drawing last week and it reminded me of how much I love to draw. it was nice.
8. Go out more. My vitamin D supplments are not an excuse to NOT go outside.
9. Visit my wedding venue! MUST GO!
10. Dream more. I miss swimming inside my brain and finding new things I haven’t thought about. Things are a little stale in there and I need to go fishing.

So there you have it. It’s so nice to be able to BE THIS WAY compared to what I have been feeling for the past couple of months. ugh i hate winter. Seriously - it’s such a bummer!

Donny and I have insane clashing schedules and he has not been able to take pictures of me until today as we both skipped out on work and school. (i have an essay to write) So yay for us for being able to sleep in til 2:00pm and then get up and have coffee together (aka. me having 2 sips) and take pictures of my progress. As of yesterday, because i don’t weigh myself every day anymore (messes with my head, yo!) I am down 61 pounds. I actually hit 60 pounds last week, but hovered there for about 5 days due to womanly reasons - delightful. So I am hoping my one pound loss is now me being back to normal.

So without further ado I present to you, my album called: “YOU CAN FO’ DAMN SURE SEE IT IN MY FACE!”

My last couple of posts have been depressing, but I am not sorry - I feel it is reality, and therefore should not be apologized for. This has by far been the worst winter, I think i’ve said that here before…but I am feeling much better lately. The weather is warmer for starters, which gives me a little hope. Also, I have NOT been SKIPPING on my VITAMINS. And - and and - well, I’ve been out of the house a few times.

It’s also kind of refreshing to be able to see such a major change in my face. I look in the mirror a lot - because i am completely narcissistic - and lately I look at myself and i’m just like woah - that’s me now! The weight loss is still slow, but I am getting used to it. I will not have lost all my weight before Mel and Luke’s wedding in June, where I was determined to wear a sexy dress, but I’m okay with that now. I mean GEE it’s not MY wedding folks. Certainly I will be wearing the sexy dress at that event - no questions asked! Mel and Luke’s wedding in June was just a mini goal for me…and who knows I might still be able to look good in a dress, we’ll see. I’ve just never been able to wear a cute dress that wasn’t either made for me or I have felt completely uncomfortable in. For my prom I wore a black sheet - no offense to the seamstress who actually did a wonderful job but I was fat - lets see if i can find a picture.

Ah yes, the blue wrappy shall thing did so much to cover up a myriad of woes.

And here is me dancing with Jonathan at my sister’s wedding where i was Maid of Honour - in a green tent.

Don’t EVEN get me started on what I wore to Mark and Leslie’s Wedding. EW - I will NEVER forgive myself for the WORST DRESS POSSIBLE with leggings and DEFINING FAT BAND on my stomach. Photo courtesy of Joel Danielson.

So you see folks - i would like to wear a nice dress to Mel and Luke’s wedding. I mean, for those out there who think I am calling myself ugly again - I’m not. I am just saying I want to wear a dress that will make me feel awesome and beautiful and wonderful. FOR ONCE in my life. So yeah - that’s my next mini goal. I won’t be the skinniest I wanted to be because my weight loss is too slow for that but at least I want to find a nice dress. That is all.

It has been so long I don’t even know where to begin. Perhaps with an apology. Sorry. Sorry sorry sorry!

Okay now that that is over with I will say Hello and thank you for all your warm comments as of late saying that you miss my blog entries. It was very much appreciated. It has been a rough month all together - for several reasons, all of which have nothing to do with you. You lucked out this time!

Number One: We still do not have a vehicle. I am a prisoner in my apartment. I cannot go see friends willy nilly, wallie dallie, or fiddle faddle and I wish very much that I could. Some of you may say that I could walk. Well, yes I could, but apart from my ankle still giving me heck on uneven ground (like snow covered ground) it’s cold, and miserable…and I don’t like having no vehicle. Don’t lecture me about getting outside to take in air because your kind hearted advice will be snorted at. I hate winter. I hate the cold. I hate frozen snot and foggy glasses. I hate falling in half frozen puddles (happened last week) and having bits of rock embedded in my hands which prevent me from peeling potatoes.

Number Two (no, not poo) - my weight loss has very much slowed down to about 2 pounds per week. I know. I know. Scoff your heads off. But when you are dropping like 7 pounds a minute one day and then 2 pounds a week the next, it’s plays tricks with your head. Somehow I feel like a failure - and I know I shouldn’t - I know that 2 pounds a week is probably what my body has decided is a healthy weight loss for now because god knows I’m doing almost everything correctly. After I lost my 50 pounds my body decided to hell with it all and stopped losing weight all together and so I should be ever so glad that I have lost any weight let alone the additional 7 pounds since breaking that stall. Yes, that makes the total 57 and when I get to 60 there will be pictures. I promise.

Number Three - Spring Break. Spring Break was the worst spring break I have ever had in my entire life - and that includes the year in Grade 11 that I spent in the hospital getting my gynormous honeydew melon cyst removed (at least then I had a ton of visitors and I got to lay around all day completely morphined). I do not count family day, which was fun actually - but the events that followed involved me being very cranky and moody - wanting to be alone because of my moodiness, wanting to read but feeling pointless, wanting to relax but feeling stressed and tense - and being completely out of sorts and off schedule.  I do not do well in the winter time if I do not have a routine. The fact that Spring Break is NOW, and obviously NOT in the SPRING TIME is a sin. A damn sin!

Number Four I decided to delete after writing it all out.

SO yeah - that’s basically where I am at. I don’t feel crappy every day - in fact it’s more like I don’t feel anything at all…which isn’t much better. I was doing better before my spring break started and everything just went downhill from there. I am hoping with next week’s schedule going back to normal and classes distracting me from winter blueness that I will be right as rain. That will 99.9% be the case - the .1% being if I get hit by a bus.

I am sipping NeoCitrin currently because I feel a bit of a flu coming on and I am trying to mask it - I so desperately NEED to go to school tomorrow and get my mind out of this flunk. I already do feel better TODAY because Denise came to visit me and she is always a source of joy in my life. She’s my bleach.

Boba just walked by and he sneezed into my NeoCitrin. I am agitated and cross now. You see? How my mood can be hopeful of better days and then switch back into foul mode? Fowl mode.

No really - I’m okay. I will be okay. Winters come and go — and in Ontario they last for bloody 9 months, but afterward there is the spring cleaning.

Did I just try to make a metaphor? I am hanging my head in shame now.

Hi guys!

I am sorry that i haven’t written to you in awhile. Things have been uninteresting and busy. I am back into the full swing of school, skipping classes and all! haha. I have taken a few snow days, I won’t lie. I wish I could have taken a snow day a few days ago when it was INSANE but, alas, I had an essay to turn in.

Don’t get excited. I don’t have pictures, but I will say that as of Tuesday, I have lost 50 pounds on the nose! (….well not on my nose, but probably below my nose). Most of you already know about this little milestone that I have reached but I thought I would share it with the rest of the world. If you want it in pictures, than here you go:

Now, don’t try and print this blog post and cut out the 50 quid and blame it on me when you get caught!

50 pounds feels very strange. I don’t feel like a different person but I am finding things are a little EASIER. For example. I can cross my legs on the GO bus now, something that was very frustrating prior to the 50 pounds. I used to have to squeeze them in like tight sausage rolls. mmmm sausage rolls. And have my knees rub against the seat in front of me used to give me a rash because my knees are very sensitive creatures, but my knees don’t touch the seat in front of me anymore — yay!

Another thing. OH i forgot about this one before. You know how those awful lecture halls have those tight theatre style seats and then this little foldy “table” that you flip out from the armchair and you can put stuff on it? It used to not go over my legs flat….and used to sortof sit on top of my legs at an angle, while I watch it go over thin laps beside me and have like 7 inches to spare. It is for that reason that I hate said angle lap-table. That, and not being able to put ANYTHING OF USE on it. I mean COME ON PEOPLE we have textbooks,coffee, pens, cellphones, laptops for some (i never bring mine to class) and all those novels you expect us to read…and they are all supposed to fit on this 8 inch by 7 inch table thing. Anyway…it goes across my lap now when my legs are uncrossed (not when they are crossed) but I never use the table and purely put it over to see if it would fit. I am totally against using this tables and you should be too!

for those of you who DON’T know what i am talking about, it’s these things:

What else. Oh I am having a really hard time eating today. Eating is never the same day to day. For the past two days I have been eating an egg in the morning with a half a peice of toast *and not being able to finish it of course*. This morning = UGHLLP (that’s the sound of me throwing up). I can eat ham, stewing beef and all those good things now. It turns out that I wasn’t CHEWING it enough. Meat like that has to be literally the consistancy of milk before i swallow it. It gets tiring. I still cannot eat snow peas, or anything stringy.

I can’t think of anything else to say. Donny and I have picked a wedding date and are looking into a few venues with the date available. It’s August 14th, 2010. We decided to have it later so that we would have time to plan and have time for me to lose the weight I want, and then have that free tummy tuck. Also, we wanted it during the summer and not when I am in school and next summer is just..too soon. Anything not in the summer and my brother in BC would have to take off work and my dad is also teaching too so that’s no good. So there ya have it. That’s our date <3 <3

I hope you are doing well!!

Love, Janie

Here I am at One month and 1 week post op and 42 pounds down.

I seem to be losing my boobies.

I don’t actually see any difference in my face but James decided to run into the picture really quick so I had to post it.

For 40 pounds: I cut my hair

For 74 pounds: Get contacts, new outfit, facial

For goal: Tattoo!!!!!!!!!

Since I have reached my first goal of 40 pounds (42 this morning) I got my hair cut this afternoon. It turned into a huge event (6 hours) as she did the cut and afterwards I was IN SHOCK because my hair is BLONDE now. For years I have been dying it black and for the last year and a half I have refused to dye it so that I could grow out my natural colour. She managed to chop out all the remaining black that I had in my hair! After i saw it, I kinda thought that it looked boring and told her she had permission to do what ever she wanted (she was bored - and clientless for the day) So she put a lighter highlight on top of my head and the accented with chunks of purple and dark brown. It’s hard to see from the pictures, but I think it turned out alright. It’s neat to have blonde hair again

Here is what it looked like BEFORE; (aka this morning)

AND…after!

I also like to put my hair up most of the time, so that’s how I am wearing it now:

BRRRRrrrrr it was FREEZING today by the way. I HATE the cold and waited for the bus for 30 minutes (missed it by a hair). The best part of waiting for that bus though was that the bus stopped and picked up Donny who was on the way home from work!!! I’ve never been so happy to see someone come on the bus! <3

of course he was all like…..”well if you are HERE, then who is at home making me dinner?!?!” haha jerk!

Nothing else really new - tomorrow night I am having some friends over for a potluck dinner to catch up our lives a little and that will make me feel really good. I have been shut up in my head for a little too long - but today’s little makeover was really refreshing…

Today I woke up expecting to be 40 pounds down - but I am ACTUALLY 41 pounds down. I have compiled a few pictures that I found on the interweb that have things in them that are 40 pounds. Enjoy!

This cat.

This Fish

These Yams

This Turkey

This Robot

I am sorry that I haven’t written to you in awhile but there is nothing really of importance to discuss. The clinic in Michigan called to cancel my appointment on Tuesday because there was a death in Dr. Hendrick’s family. They are asking me to call them and re-schedule but I can’t just come down whenever they want me to. I need to demand that I come in on a Thursday - that way I don’t miss any school.

We still do not have a car, which makes things a little difficult. We have set aside the money, that’s not a problem, it’s that Donny is gone from 8:00 to 8:00pm, 5 days a week and I don’t know the first thing about looking for vans. *shrug* I mean, the upside to this is that we are not paying insurane or gas, and that the money is saved when we need to buy a car. Donny and I are still getting to school and work just fine.

So I am learning every day things about my stomach.

It does not like re-heated ground beef. It loves mashed potatoes TOO much. I cannot handle calcium supplements with food. It spews forth DELICIOUS snow peas.

I am so bored with my gastric bypass thoughts. I mean, it’s been all I’ve been thinking about for the last 7 months. Now that it’s over and done with I want to get on to something else. I mean, it’s not like I am going to stop watching what I eat or being conscience of my changes - but I need to shake things up a little. I just need to figure out how.

On the right side of my ankle, there is a peice that broke off of the lower bone and has now attatched itself to the upper bone. There are 3 torn ligaments and the ankle is still fractured as you can see - or if you can see. Back goes on the air cast for 2 weeks and ice and elevation for the sprain.

Le sigh.

Holy crap am I ever down in the dumps lately. It’s an awful feeling for me - especially because it reminds me so much of a certain period in my life where I was extremely depressed. When I first started to have my major panic attacks I thought it was because of all the changes that were going on around me - which I still believe - but I was also losing a considerable amount of weight in a VERY short time period (100 pounds in like 4 months) on a diet that consisted of hotdogs in a bowl of tomato sauce with olives and cheese on it. (my awesome version of the atkins diet!) I didn’t take any vitamins, I lost a lot of hair (which was awesome actually) and I was down in the dumps…..constantly.

Now I am not feeling like that - it’s just interesting that I never really attributed the way that I was feeling back then (and the people that I put through HELL because of it) to the fact that I was losing weight so rapidly and not getting enough nutrition. Currently I take my vitamins, and an anti-depressant - but we’ve been out of milk for the past 2 days so I have not had my protein shakes. Over Christmas I was too distracted by my friends and family to really notice my dumpiness, but now that I am back to the grindstone of school and life I feel blue and out of sorts. I need to bring this up to my nutritionist when I see her on Tuesday (goin’ down to Michigan) because either I am not taking enough vitamins or I need to start supplementing some B12 or something. I am SO tired no matter how much I sleep. Perhaps it’s the rapid weight loss. Perhaps it’s the nutrition. Perhaps I’m not eating enough calories. Everything else in my life is OKAY - I mean, apart from money, no car, stupid ankle etc - I am happy in life - life is good - my relationship rocks….but I am blue. It must be a result of something that I am not ingesting - I am 100% sure of this. I need to figure this out because I anticipate it getting worse.

I am also struggling with BODY IMAGE…if you can believe it. Today I stepped on the scale and starting crying because I have lost another 2 pounds - and you’d think these were HAPPY tears, but they weren’t. The truth is folks, I don’t see a gosh darn difference in my body. I look at myself and see the same flabby mass that I was before the surgery. I cried because I want to believe it so badly! I WANT to see the difference. Sometimes I think that I have seen the difference and then I realize that my eyes are just playing tricks on me or something. To date I have lost 37 pounds, making me 285 - down from 322 in just a little over a month. Honestly, I can’t see it. I just can’t. I think the camera angles are different in the comparison photos and therefore the comparison is null and void. I know I need new jeans but I still don’t see the difference. Maybe my jeans have just stretched…

Tomorrow my father in law is taking me to the doctor to get my foot x-rayed again. I am convinced I have also botched that as I did not wear my cast full time and took it off when I didn’t feel anymore pain in my ankle. Now the pain has returned from the walking I have been doing at school. Tsk tsk.

When I go to Michigan on Tuesday I am going to ask the nurse to measure me so that we can compare to the measurements she took before my surgery. If I can still not feel uplifted I will come back and force my head to be lifted high and hope that maybe it’s because I stare at myself all the time that i just can’t see the difference.

I’m terrified that this lack of energy and blueness is somehow permanent - that by losing almost 40 pounds I have somehow disturbed the universe and it’s teaching me some sort of cosmic lesson by draining my energy and using it for alien experiments.

I’m tired now.

ps. last night I had a dream that I had twin boys named unicorn and gypsy and gypsy had a tail.

I feel really discouraged today - in general. I have been having some problems lately. Unusually stressed. I have had the compulsion to eat all day, but I haven’t. I’ve stuck to my guns and haven’t eaten anything bad. I have been drinking some LapSang souchong and just trying to remain Janie.

I am at the point in my life where I feel kinda stuck. I don’t know what I want to do after school. The plan was that I was going to go to teacher’s college - but now I have decided against that and am going to try something new. Things are so uncertain. I just can’t bear the thought of going into another year of school right after I graduate from University. I wanted to be a writer. I want to be a writer. I want to try to get a job writing somewhere - but OH JOY I went for the Wrong Fricking Degree for that. I should have gone into some sort of journalism. I should have went into ANYTHING but a stupid Bachelor of Arts. What the HELL does that give you? Nothing. And now I am 1.5 years from graduating and I feel discouraged and sad about my choice.

If I could just work at some sort of publishing company - work my way up from the bottom. Donny’s doing it. He’s working at the bottom of the barrell in a post production company. I am so proud of him. I just don’t feel good about being a teacher anymore.

I need to pep myself up a bit. Maybe it’s this book I am studying right now “Wild Sargasso Sea”.

I have lost 35 pounds since December 4th.

Donny will be home in a few minutes to a hot meal and a clean house.

I have taken my bath and I can fit in it better.

Socks will make my feet more comfortable.

Sadness is temporary.

A degree, no matter what it is, is better than no degree.